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You have your eye on a shy girl, but you’re trying to pluck up the courage to talk to her. The good news is that it’s easier than you might think. When you do talk to her, it's important to be mindful of her feelings and avoid pretending to be something you’re not. If you are aware of the signs she doesn’t like you and you still continue on flirting with her, it will just make it worse. It will make her feel uncomfortable and it will also make you look like a fool. Talk. Communicate. Initiate a conversation. Shy girls are the cutest of them all, but never underestimate them. 3.) Accept Her Shyness to Talk to a Shy Girl. If you want to talk to a shy girl or if you want to become friends with a shy girl then, first of all, you need to accept her as she is. No one is perfect and being shy is her nature you cannot change it fortnightly. You should accept her shyness and make her feel comfortable in her own skin. So to make sure you don’t mistake a girl who just doesn’t like you, for a shy girl… Stay tuned til the end of this video. Now let’s finish with the last 3 on our list. 3. She Gets Wing-Girled. Because a shy girl won’t always come out and do it herself, her friends might have to come with the assist and gauge your interest for her. So, if you want to get yourself a shy girl who isn’t coming over to you and saying, “I like you, let’s start dating” and instead is showing you hidden signs of interest, then you need to be the more courageous one. You need to be able to see the signs of interest and then have the courage and confidence to make a move. After you’ve sparked a conversation with the girl you like, you may find it starting to fizzle out quickly. That doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t interested, so use questions about her and observations about things going on around you to fill awkward gaps. Ask her to elaborate on a statement she recently made. There's a good chance that you are dealing with a shy girl who is stuck on you. 8 Cat's Got Her Tongue. If you walk up to a group of people and everyone turns to talk to you (except her), she might be incredibly nervous because she likes you and doesn't want to come across as a super-hyper preteen fan girl at a One Direction concert. If you're trying to get a girl to like you in high school, and especially if you're in college, you can get into more advanced workout schedules and supplements. This goes back to tip #1: work on yourself. I've actually put together a full PDF of 27 ways to increase your own confidence for you if you want more confidence tips. So, this is how you talk to a shy girl if you want it to be successful and not suffocate her with your constant chatter. It’s not hard, it’s just a different approach. #1 Don’t be too aggressive. Many men tend to take an overly aggressive approach when talking to a shy girl. This is because you feel insecure about her feelings about you. A shy girl when continue to blush all of the time, until you two get to know each other much better. This is also something that non-shy girls do, of course. Because when someone develops feelings for another person, they are nervous around them most of the time. But a shy girl will do it more frequently. She Never Initiates Contact
I want to hear your thoughts on writing a trans girl as a child.
2020.07.10 21:15 UnfeyI want to hear your thoughts on writing a trans girl as a child.
I'm writing a fantasy novel, and I'm cis. I know how annoying these questions sometimes are on these subreddits-- we get them over at actuallesbians all the time, and they always make me cringe for a couple reasons. First, you never know whether the writer is trying to be fake woke or tokenizing or whether they're fetishizing you or trying to win diversity points. Second, it always feels pretentious to say "I'm writing a fantasy novel." Maybe that's just me. Third, there's tons of resources out there for writers trying to create characters who are not cis, white, male, etc, and it seems presumptuous to ask strangers on the internet to do your research for you instead of just doing it yourself. I have to imagine that there are people on this sub who feel the same irritation as I do at these kinds of questions, so I apologize. I truly appreciate your thoughts and your help with this. When I'm finished writing, I plan to give my first draft to a bunch of my trans writer friends to test-read for sensitivity (and also like, grammar and plot holes and stuff) but before I even do that, I'd really like to ask for help from strangers on the internet. To help me lay some groundwork for this character. You might be able to tell that I'm super self-conscious; I just really want to do a good job and do this character justice. I don't want to overstep my bounds, or write something that's going to hurt someone. Especially my friends. The story is about a group of childhood friends who grow up together over the course of the novel. There's a portal through the stars to a magical country, and they have an adventure, but that's neither here nor there. They start out around 10 years old and they're all queer in some way (but none of them really know that yet). My POV protagonist is a cis girl named Stella, and her best friend (and eventual love interest) is Ivy, who is trans. I've had this story in my head for a really long time. It's important to me that Ivy is in the story as a child, and grows into herself over time along with the other protagonists. The issue here is that, at 10 years old, Ivy isn't presenting as a girl. I know that there's ways to change the narrative so that Ivy has always presented as a girl to her friends and knows her own pronouns and knows who she is so that I don't have to deal with misgendering my own character for the first couple chapters. But that's not who Ivy is-- she's uncertain of herself in the beginning, she's got a really absent-minded professor vibe. She's shy and sensitive and she'd lose her own nose if it wasn't on her face. She's kind of a push-over at the start but she learns to be more confident as the story goes on. Her character arc is learning to take the reins and call the shots when she knows she's in the right. That's why I think it's important to the story that she doesn't really know who she's supposed to be at a young age. Obviously, as a cis person I already feel like I'm way stepping over my bounds. Since the readers are looking at Ivy's arc through Stella's eyes, in the earliest parts of the story, Stella would use he/him pronouns and a masculine name when she talks to and about Ivy. And since I know that Ivy's trans, even though she doesn't, I'm uncomfortable with that. When Ivy comes out, Stella will be supportive and the narrative voice will correctly gender that character. Her being trans isn't her whole story arc. I don't want to make it seem that way. Her story arc is about being a shy nerd who takes control, stops an evil scientist from summoning the Old Gods, and falls in love with her best friend. But I do really want her to be trans. The shape of the story is in my head already. I'm afraid of writing this character pre-transition in a way that is offensive, hurtful, wrong, or could be misconstrued by cis readers as "oh she's starts the story as a boy so she's really a boy". I don't want people to believe that since the narrator misgenders her as a child, the narrative misgenders her. If I want to play it completely safe, I could cut the character completely, but I think that would be worse from an allyship standpoint and also completely ruin my story. I don't want to just avoid the character altogether, or avoid transness as a part of her identity. I want to write this story the way I have it in my head. But I also want to be sensitive and not do a shitty job or build something that feels wrong. The whole reason I want to write Ivy this way-- starting off presenting one way and then transitioning-- is because growing up, I had friends who I knew as one gender and then as we grew up they transitioned and I knew them by new names and new pronouns but still as the same friends. And since my friends are such an important part of my life experiences, I want to reflect some of that into my story. I want to give my friends a cool character with something in common with them. I don't want to fuck it up. The story is supposed to be a celebration of my childhood friendships and I don't want to do it without Ivy. I'd like to know what people on this sub think. How do I handle this character? Am I going about this the right way? How can I do this better? If you were writing this story, how would you handle the narration? How would you write about her as a child? I really appreciate all your thoughts and help. Again, sorry to be the "I'm writing a fantasy novel, tell me how to write X minority group" person on the sub. I wouldn't normally impose like this but I really don't want to fuck this up.
2020.07.10 20:48 TheWhimsicalGodSo I (21M) have been talking to this girl (24F) who I'm starting to think see's me as too young?
I'm always pretty flirtatious and complimentary during conversation, but I can't tell if she just brushes it off due to shyness/insecurity (she suffers from anxiety, which I've dealt with as a teen) or as seeing me as being too young. It's a nagging feeling more than anything, but it's not like I'm an emotionally immature person or anything. Even physically I've always looked older. And she has only just turned 24. I'm starting to feel like she see's me as a harmless childish nuisance more than anything. I can't tell if she enjoys our talks, or is just putting up with it. The anxiety can also make it difficult to gauge. How do girls tend to view early 20s age gaps? Women with or who have had anxiety, have you ever had a advances that you were too shy to turn down?
2020.07.10 19:37 Peppy-OctopusWhen should I tell a new boyfriend about my past and how it affects me?
So I (21F) have an emotionally abusive father (46), he's a drunk and when he drinks he's very belligerent and aggressive, he starts fights on purpose. My mom (56) and I both think he's got some undiagnosed issues, mainly adhd and possibly other problems. His parents were both drunks and let him start drinking and smoking weed at 13 and he basically hasnt stopped since. Until i was about 6 it wasnt a problem, he drank but could control himself for the most part. We dont know what changed but for some reason he just started drinking constantly after that, he would come home every night and start fights with my mom, calling her nasty names and telling her he would bash her head open with the tv/computewhatever she was near at the time. When i was young i usually just hid in my room but as i got older i started staying with my mom, trying to redirect his anger at me because i felt bad for how he was treating her. I have a half brother (36, different father) who was into drugs for a long time and kind of disappeared for a couple years after this because he was kicked out of our house because my mom didnt want me around the drugs. My brother is bipolar and ocd but never got diagnosed until a couple years ago when he was arrested for drugs and got diagnosed while in prison. My father and my brother never got along, they basically hated each other and would get into fist fights occasionally, sometimes resulting in cops showing up. My brother and I have never been close partially because of the age difference but also because my brother, just like my dad, likes to make people feel bad. They both pick on people for things they know they are insecure about and will laugh at you for getting upset. When i was young (about 8 but hard to remember) my cousin tried to trick me into having sex with him by saying we were playing house, he is only 6 months older than me and i dont think he entirely knew what he was doing, he had found a magazine under his mom's bed that he had showed me a couple times before this but i didnt really understand what it was but i dont think he understood that what he was doing to me was wrong. His older sister walked in, i dont know if she knew what was going on or not but nobody has ever mentioned it again Ive never told anybody about this either. My ex (22) and i met when i was 15, things started fine but as it went on he would get mad at me over simple things. Would get angry when i wasnt in the mood for sex (which obviously made me want it less) he would guilt me into having sex when i didnt want to and doing things i didnt want to. He'd tell me i was a prude and that "real couples" do this. He'd do stuff to me while i was sleeping and then get angry when it made me uncomfortable, or when id tell him to stop because i was trying to sleep. He used my insecurities against me and manipulated me, I was desperate to be who he wanted me to be. He pushed all my other friends away and stopped me from applying to the school i wanted because its in a different state and he didnt want me to leave. 2.5 years ago he moved back to his home state with him mom to go to school. I still didnt see anything wrong with what he'd done. After he left we tried long distance and it worked for the first year but i always knew it wasnt right. It took me a while to fully realize that what he did wasnt okay we broke up about 6 months ago. About a year ago I met a girl at work and shes now my best friend, Without her I'd probably still be with my ex. She's been trying to set me up with her brother and I really like him. He's a genuinely nice guy, hes thoughtful and hes okay with wiating until im comfortable. We've been talking for almost a month and had a movie date the other night and have another planned for tonight. He's shy like me so its still a little hard for us to talk in person right now. I want to tell him about my past but I'm not sure how or when. I dont want to scare him off with anything or make him feel weird. I have some scars on my wrist from selfharm aswell and I'm not sure if he's noticed them but when/how should I bring it up? I dont have too much trouble talking about this stuff, i mean it was painful at the time but for most of it its been long enough that i can say it without getting upset im just not sure how to go about it without freaking him out. I know right now is way too soon but I just feel weird about it like im hiding something from him. Im scared of this not working out and im really terrified of getting intimate with anybody again but i know i cant just hide away from the good things in life forever. Im sick of hiding and being alone. Its been so long since ive been as happy as i am with him and being happy makes me anxious because i know it cant last. Sorry this post is really long and kind of a mess, i basically just want to know how/when to bring up this conversation with him. TL;DR: have a lot of crap from my past that i want to tell my new boyfriend if we get to that but dont know how/when to start a conversation as we are both very shy
Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl from the Netherlands! I'm looking for somebody I can talk to (preferably email or reddit message), because school is over and I'm still not going out a lot (due to the coronavirus) so I could use some distraction. I've always wanted a penpal, so I thought; why not! Also, I never comment on posts on reddit but I like to lurk haha, so I'm kinda nervous. A bit about me; I'm currently studying in Amsterdam and my biggest hobby right now is reading books (please let me reccomend you some books!!). I also love watching movies and series, listening to music (I'm obsessed with Grimes and Lana del Rey and way more!) playing the sims and occasionally minecraft (even tho I suck at it). I also love memes and watching youtubers, but like, who doesn't? Last but not least, i like to bake stuff but everything I try to make turns out really badly haha I would describe myself as a shy and introverted girl, and - if its interesting enough - a ravenclaw, even tho pottermore says I'm a slyterhin. Maybe I'm both. Idk. Oh well. My English isn't perfect so sorry in advance for that. I was hoping to study abroad next year so I could improve my English, but thats unlikely to still happen. So instead i want to get to know new people online. Also I'm planning on relearning French, Latin and/or Spanish. While writing this I found out that I'm not that interesting and not good at talking about myself, so don't expect too much from me haha. I think I'm mostly looking for casual conversations, so anyway, sent a message if you would like to talk. I think it would be really cool to get to know all certain kind of people :) Also this is so long that I hope ure not bored yet
2020.07.10 17:23 eliboosk8Wife is Cheating and wants out.
Kinda a long read, sorry for grammer, spelling in advance. Im 25M married to 26F just shy of 3 years, together for almost 9 years. Well some back ground info is we work 2 jobs, one job is at same place, a bowling ally, shes in the front in snack bar, I'm in back as Mechanic. Shes created a friendship circle at work with one of the other girls in snack bar (H) and one of the guys from the back that works with me (P). them 3 would all have same day off, i worked, and work on same days, i be off. I quickly started to dislike this little friendship they had. My wife started coming home later then normal. Texting 24/7 and hiding the conversions by using snapchat to text. so after a few weeks, P introduced H to one his friends and then it was them 4 hanging out. umm excuse me! my wife has less interest in spending time with me and spent it with them. i felt something wasnt righ. It ate away at me for weeks untill i had had enough! One night i snuck on her phone and went through her snapchat, and text and what i found made me so sick to my stomach. it wasnt in a message from H or P. but between her and her friend A (a girl). talking about how she was unhappy being married. and she had started talking to P and how sweet he was to her. BULL SHIT! i work with this guy. he told me all about how he treats girls and uses them for sex and what not till they block him or "ghost" him (his words). red flag! well i keep reading, my wife had told her how they had kissed and she liked it. i couldn't take it, i took a shower at 2am shaking and crying, hurt so much. ohhh and to add to the hurt, we we're signing lease to a new apartment that next morning, i had red flag vibes up so i asked her straight the next morning, in the office waiting for lady to type up a lease. and my wife got upset i went though her phone but she told me they had kissed and she started to like him but he called things off between them because it didn't feel right. and nothing else would happen, well we sign the lease and start moving in mid march. about that same time out bowling center closed because of covid-19. so i havent seen or talked to P in few weeks. Beginning of April i find there little friendship isn't over and i dont like it and have a gut feeling something is going on. so she was spending the night at (H) house and she left her apple watch at home so i got on it, it has text and her fb messanger on it so i read some messages between her and H but nothing really out of normal messages since they mostly talk on snapchat which her apple watch doesnt have. and i come across messages to A. and in clear english it was typed out that my wife and P had been having sex. and that they tryed to meet up since we got out apartment but wasn't able to. that afternoon my wife came home and she knew something wasnt right with me. I didnt know how to ask her so i just asked if she was hiding anything from me. she told me no. so i just said okay and layed down, that night one of her friends (G) who i had meet a handfull of times before was coming over with her bf and we were going to have a double date at home with a home cooked meal. When G got to our place she asked where i was and my wife told her i was in the bedoom being mopy about something, so her friend P came and sat down next to me and asked if i was ok and she wanted me to meet her bf. so i got up and we drank some beer, then H messaged my wife wanting to come over, H doesnt drive so my wife would have to drive 30 min one way to get her. and G and i are like no, we dont want her here, (G and i dont like H too much) but my wife went to get her leaving me, G. and her bf alone to make dinner. so when my wife left G asked whats going on. so i told her what i found and G offered to fill me in on EVERYTHING i didnt know about, i became heartbroken. i got drunk to cope with my emotions during the time my wife wasnt there, well almost 2 hours later my wife comes home with h and G and her Bf leave shortly after. My wifes mad i had been drinking. so she and h go into the other bedroom and shut the door leaving me by my self so i go to bed. next morning i ask my wife about P and she knew i knew what was going on. i told her G tole me evething. so we sit in the bedroom on the bed and she tells me she had been cheating on me but it stopped. i couldn't do anything but cry. she told me she was going to go stay at h house for the night. i felt it was the end so i went to my brothers house. he lives 5 min from me, and told him everything and he called mom and she come over so i told her everything too. then went home and sleep alone and broken. The next morning my sister calls me, (because my mom called her). she lives in TN. so phone is only way we talk. i tell her everything and im on an emotion rage during this time. well to turn a longer story shorter. after we hung up, and i told her to not get involved, my sister messaged my wife's mom, telling her what her daughter was doing, which her mom had ZERO knowledge of so that started issues between my wife and my sister who basically is just looking out for her baby brother. so her mom comes over that afternoon when my wifes home, and i sit in on them talking. my wife telling me shes sorry and she was stupid for what she as done. her mom tells her the only way it can heal and get better between us is if she ends all contact with P. I just sit back and listen. The next few months Im trying to fix our relationship, she still wants to go party with H and G. I honestly coudnt tell you anything about P because she will not talk about him around me. I've done so good for now to not go to his house with my friends and beat the shit out of him for fucking around with my wife and continuing to work with me like nothing is going on (before i found out anything). i started seeing a counselor to cope with my emotions and what not, i do wanna fix our relationship, i can look past what she has done IF she can show she is sorry and helps rebuild the relationship. she doesnt want to tho because she feels to guilty for what shes done to me, at least thats what she told me....but i keep fighting to stay together. The last week of June i went to TN to spend some time with family. This morning i went on her Apple watch and saw she opened a tinder, messaged A over the week i was gone talking about moving out when im gone, still hooking up with P. Not wanting to be with me. but to my complete shock. A said she needs to stop talking to her because hes using her. just before my trip H and P private messaged me telling me they dont like how my wife is acting because of P and they have been telling her to leave him and stay with me. Our bowling center opens today for first time in months and i was told in past P wasnt coming back but then my wife said he was so i went to my boss and told him i will not work with him, iv been there for 5+ years, he been there about 8 months, i won. he isn't coming back. cant wait to see what happens from here, yes i love my wife, but the more i try the more i realize we arn't in love anymore, I've lost all trust in her. I don't like the idea of Divorce. it hurts me so much to even think of it. Im so attached to my wife, i fell in love at first sight, lost my V to her. based my whole life around being with her, i choose married life over single life and i still want the married life. what to i do, thanks for reading some of my heartache.
2020.07.10 15:15 JoshDaProNeed help to find my way in the dating world.
DISCLAIMER: I know I am going to sound like I’m some autistic ‘niceguy’ or something, so please bear with me. So let me start off with a little bit of background information on myself. I’m an 18 year old guy with very little experience being around people in general (not just girls lmao), and have struggled with talking to people and being social my whole life. Over the last few years however my shyness has turned into full blown social anxiety. I’ve never been on a date or even gotten close with a girl. So naturally I am also a massive virgin 😔 I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself lately, but I still find it really hard to approach women, partly due to my social anxiety, but mostly due to the fact that I have never had any experience with the opposite gender. Don’t even get me started on tinder. My chat up skills are -100... I know, pretty sad right? Anyway, I feel like I’m dragging on quite a bit at the moment, so if you have any advice for a virgin shy boi any comments or dms would be so helpful! Thank you people of reddit 😊
2020.07.10 13:26 CLO_MODEJolene Stand Contest: Submissions
Hey guys, u/CLO_MODE, shitpost-extraordinaire here. As the mods mentioned, there will be a poll to decide the name of Jolene's stand. We decided on the discord server it would be best to decide the name before we start taking submissions for the powers, as the power should correspond to the musical reference. We haven't received too many submissions, and I've noticed almost everyone is pretty shy to talk about this one; which I think is indicative of how important this decision is to the community. However, I will say the submissions we have received so far have been fantastic, and it has made me excited to see what else you guys come up with before we start polling. To be honest, I'm not too sure how long we will be taking submissions. Mods reading; please clarify in the comments. The title for Part 9 is Silver Soul. Some were insisting that Jolene's stand name should contain one of those two words, particularly the word "Silver" to match up with previous Jojo Stands (Platinum, Diamond, Gold, Stone), but we debunked that in a conversation on the discord sever, as Johnny and Josuk8's Stands have no reference to a mineral. Name Jolene's stand whatever you think is appropriate, although a reference to one of the words in the title would be cool! Yes guys we know "Rape Me", etc., is an actual song title. Grow up. Moving on; Some guidelines the community have stressed: The musical reference should be indicative of Jolene's character, for example, someone on the discord server suggested "Silver Hammer" in reference to the song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by the Beatles. Now, while this sounds like a really bad-ass stand name, unfortunately the song is about a murderous young boy, so it isn't very appropriate for Jolene Joestar. (EDIT 1:u/torch_dreemurrmade an awesome point: Johnny and Gappy's stands both refer to body materials: Bone (Tusk) and Flesh (Soft and Wet). Perhaps consider this when thinking of a name!) (EDIT 2: We've received some wonderful new submissions for Jolene's stand name, check em out at the bottom of this post! I want to clarify something right now. I appreciate all the thought that went into coming up with an accompanying stand power their proposals, I really do, all of them are awesome. That being said, I politely ask that you do not include powers for Jolene's stand in your submission, this portion of the contest isFOR THE NAME ONLY. I really want to stress this because I think attaching a power creates bias, when all we are deciding right now is the name. The power will be decided likely right after, so just hold onto these ideas until then. I want the community to vote based on which NAME they like most, not which power was coolest. Please keep this in mind when the poll opens. Thanks.) For more info on Jolene's character, check out this thread I posted explaining what we know so far about Part 9. Please comment your suggestions below! I'll add them to the post so long as they meet the parameters! HAVE FUN :)
I'm an alligator, I'm a mama-papa coming for you I'm the space invader, I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you Keep your mouth shut, you're squawking like a pink monkey bird And I'm busting up my brains for the words Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah Don't fake it baby, lay the real thing on me The church of man, love, is such a holy place to be Make me baby, make me know you really care Make me jump into the air Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah Freak out, far out, in out
All along the western front People line up to receive She got the current in her hand Just shock you like you won't believe Sun in the amazon With the voltage running through her skin Standing there with nothing on She gonna teach me how to swim I said ooh girl Shock me like an electric eel Baby girl Turn me on with your electric feel I said ooh girl Shock me like an electric eel Baby girl Turn me on with your electric feel All along the eastern shore Put your circuits in the sea This is what the world is for Making electricity You can feel it in your mind Oh you can do it all the time Plug it in, change the world You are my electric girl I said ooh girl Shock me like an electric eel Baby girl Turn me on with your electric feel I said ooh girl Shock me like an electric eel Baby girl Turn me on with your electric feel Do what you feel now Electric feel now Do what you feel now Electric feel now Do what you feel now Electric feel now Do what you feel now Electric feel now Do what you feel now Electric feel now
I'm a rebel, soul rebel I'm a capturer, soul adventurer I'm a rebel, soul rebel I'm a capturer, soul adventurer See the morning sun (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah) On the hillside (ooh) Not living good, yeah, travel wide Said, I'm a living man, said, I'm a living man I've got work to do (oh) If you're not happy, children Then you must be blue (Must be blue, must be blue) people say I'm a rebel, let them talk Soul rebel, talk won't bother me I'm a capturer, that's what they say (Soul adventurer) night and day (I'm a rebel) I'm a rebel soul rebel Do you hear them, Lippy? I'm a capturer Soul…
Begin the day With a friendly voice A companion, unobtrusive Plays that song that's so elusive And the magic music makes your morning mood Off on your way Hit the open road There is magic at your fingers For the spirit ever lingers Undemanding contact In your happy solitude Invisible airwaves Crackle with life Bright antennae bristle With the energy Emotional feedback On a timeless wavelength Bearing a gift beyond price Almost free All this machinery Making modern music Can still be open-hearted Not so coldly charted It's really just a question Of your honesty, yeah, your honesty One likes to believe In the freedom of music But glittering prizes And endless compromises Shatter the illusion Of integrity, yeah Invisible airwaves Crackle with life Bright antennae bristle With the energy Emotional feedback On a timeless wavelength Bearing a gift beyond price Almost free For the words of the profits Were written on the studio wall Concert hall And echoes with the sound of salesmen Of salesmen, of salesmen
Didn't know what time it was and the lights were low I leaned back on my radio Some cat was layin' down some get it on rock 'n' roll, he said Then the loud sound did seem to fade Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phase haze That weren't no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive There's a starman waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds There's a starman waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it Cause he knows it's all worthwhile He told me: Let the children lose it Let the children use it Let all the children boogie I had to phone someone so I picked on you Hey, that's far out so you heard him too Switch on the TV we may pick him up on channel two Look out your window I can see his light If we can sparkle he may land tonight Don't tell your poppa or he'll get us locked up in fright There's a starman waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds There's a starman waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it Cause he knows it's all worthwhile He told me: Let the children lose it Let the children use it Let all the children boogie There's a starman waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds There's a starman waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it Cause he knows it's all worthwhile He told me: Let the children lose it Let the children use it Let all the children boogie
I'm hot, and when I'm not, I'm cold as ice See me coming, just step aside, or pay the price What I want I take, what I don't I break And I don't want you With a flick-my-knife, I can change your life There's nothing you can do I'm a problem child, problem child, I'm a problem child. Every night, street light, I drink my booze, Some run, some fight, when I win they lose, What I want I stash, what I don't I smash, And I don't like you, So say bye bye, while your still alive, Cause your time is due. I'm a problem child, problem child, I'm a problem child, and I'm wild, Wild! Make my stand, no man's land, on my own Man in blue, it's up to you, the seed is sown What I want I stash, what I don't I smash And you're on my list Dead or alive, I got a .45, and I never miss Cause I'm a problem child, I'm a problem child I'm a problem child, problem child, I'm a problem child, problem child, Problem child, Problem child, Problem child, I'm a problem child, problem child, I'm a problem child
She came without a farthing A babe without a name So much ado 'bout nothing Is what she'd try to say So much ado my lover So many games we played Through every fleeted summer Through every precious day All dead, all dead All the dreams we had And I wonder why I still live on All dead, all dead And alone I'm spared My sweeter half instead All dead And gone All dead... All dead, all dead At the rainbow's end And still I hear her own sweet song All dead, all dead Take me back again You know my little friend's All dead And gone Her ways are always with me I wander all the while But please you must forgive me I am old but still a child All dead, all dead But I should not grieve In time it comes to everyone All dead, all dead But in hope I breathe Of course I don't believe You're dead And gone All dead And gone.
2020.07.10 10:52 PrussiandreamsEverything that has to go wrong will go wrong, a series of unfortunate events.
Hey everyone, so sorry about the long post, but for you guys to understand all these little tiny details are important so here we go. This is about my relationship (F28) with my Boyfriend (M29), we have been dating for 2 years, almost 4 years, our relationship has gone through many ups and downs from the beginning. Participants: Me ( 28), Current Boyfriend (Z) (M29), my ex-boyfriend 1 (Y) (29M), my ex-boyfriend 2(W) (30M) , ex best friend- (AP - 27 F). So this particular story starts out in the year 2017 when I met Z at my university I had joined for my master's degree, he was a very nice man, was friendly, quiet calm and we developed a friendship really soon, he would ask me if I wanted to get coffee just off-campus (we lived on a residential campus in the middle of nowhere, and there was one place where all students on campus would go to to get away from campus life for a short while) and we would go there almost everyday with a couple of other friends, this was nice cause the 1st 2 weeks in college i was alone, my roommates knew each other from their time in their undergrad together, and because i'm a shy person and take time to adjust i didn't make friends as easily, but Z was patient and initiated conversation and would try force me to get out my room and meet others which was nice. Now when this was happening i was dating Y, we had a really happy relationship and i did think that this was end game, he was my best friend who became by bf he was caring, fulfilled my curious needs of knowing things and having conversation, he was amazing, only fault were that he wasn't emotionally well balanced, and i had to always help him and take care of his emotions, it was like taking care of a baby at some points but before going back to uni i didn't mind.. 1st month at uni we had some issues cause he would complain that i didn't give him time, or that while i'm talking to him i would talk to my roommate which seriously annoyed him, he would tell me that i don't love him and that i didn't care enough for him to make enough time for him, but actually, i didn't have an option with the roommates thing, we were 4 students in the room, (didn't really have privacy there) and if they would ask me something i would reply to them in one sentence and usually when this would happen he would cut the call, and when i called back and i would ask him why he did that he would be like oh no you're busy wouldn't want to disturb you. I would avoid going into the city with my roommates cause i would plan a date with him, but he would forget about it, or he would be busy with his friends ( I didn't mind the 2nd part) and his friends would be a part of our video calls, he had complained about me not paying attention to him when i was on the call with him but he would completely ignore the times he did the same, cause roommates aren't the same as parents or his boss, but i was still holding on. A month later, things started getting worse, he would complain more and more but this was around my mid terms and i really didn't have time for him but he didn't understand. When i was having all these issues with Y, Z was always around and i liked that i had a support system on campus, we had a long weekend and we along with a couple of other friends (group of 8) decided that we would visit the mountains for a wildlife camp that was about 6 hrs away from where we were, on that trip i told Y that i was going and wouldn't be able to be in constant contact with him due to issues of signal and non availability of WiFi. On this trip, i saw that Z really took care of me, we were in a high altitude zone and due to the change in atmospheric pressure i had issues breathing and he helped me through the entire trek to the base camp, when i came back i called Y to tell him about the trip cause i was so excited about everything that had happened and i wanted to tell him everything but he just cut the call telling me that he was going to visit his friends and that he was busy and this really broke my heart. A week later i traveled back home to surprise him (after being away for about 7 months) , i went to his office and met him and he was happy, we spent time together and enjoyed the time, when on a mini trip, and in between all this he tells me that i'm quiet, i tell him that i feel like i'm cheating cause when i was around certain friends i would feel different, (turned on even in certain instances) but i hadn't done anything with anyone. He laughed and told me that if anyone must feel like they're cheating it should be him cause he had his friend (also male) at a party and i shrugged the feeling off. A couple of months later i tell him that i might have developed feelings for Z, but i wasn't sure, but that i just felt different around Y and happy around him, Y asked me why i felt the way, i told him that he was been there for me whenever i was feeling low because of Y, and he takes care of me (which i have never experienced before), he makes me laugh and that i connect to him on a certain level that i don't with Y, Y asked me if i had made out with him or had any physical contact, and i told him that other than hugging him (as a friend would) i have had no other contact. Y passed this off as a tiny crush, but a month later i told him i wanted to end things, and that as much as i loved him, and cared for him that i will always keep thinking about Z when i'm with Y, and that isn't fair to Y, i told him that i will always love him and a part of my heart will always be with him, when we ended things many things around us shattered, AP who i was close to, became very rude to me cause she felt like i cheated on Y for having feelings for Z, she and AP were very close, and i think to this date still are very close, NOW i feel as though my relationship with AP is not as it was cause of her closeness to Y post my break up, she has been cold towards me, but of lately she has started talking to me whenever i am in town, when i try making conversation with her it's awkward and it feels forced and i feel she is doing it out of obligation. I know that her loyalty has shifted cause whatever i tell her in confidence comes back to me and my cousin asks me about them, and the only way he can know is through Y who learns it from AP. 3 months after this Breakup, i started dating Z, it was amazing in the beginning he was a really nice boyfriend, he was caring, calm, emotionally supportive, mentally supportive.. but issues started developing slowly, he had an issue with my past partners, (another back story) When i was 16 i had a horrible set of friends who were the worst influence ever, they would tease me about not being feminine, they would call me ugly and tell me that no one would touch me let alone have sex with me, there were very hurtful things that were said to me, and some of those things still are very much a part of my life now, anyway to gain their approval i started lying about my sexual encounters, i told them that i had had sex with abc persons and after sometime i gained a reputation of being the coolest girl ( cause i used to travel a lot thanks to my parents work, and i had some cray adventures, plus the lying about the sex plus actually parts of my sexual encounters they had seen (i made out with a couple of girls around them cause i really liked girls and dated one) so i became their hero) they would tell people i introduce them to years later about my stories, and so i had to keep the lies going. so one day i finally gave up and told Z that the number of people he thinks i went out with is not true, i told him that i have only been with 4 other guys (who i did not date) and at this point he was furious, he lost hs bearings, he told me that he can never trust me and that all my fake stories had given him a lot of anxiety (i was his 2nd girlfriend) and that i should have told him sooner, but i told him that i couldn't i was scared that he would leave me and that these lies had become my reality in a sense, and that something i did when i was 16 to become popular still haunts me and i can't talk about it cause i might lose everyone in my life.. (i cant tell my friends but luckily we have gone past that stage of talking about numbers) then Z was like i should have told him, and i told him that no one knew the secret and that i'm trusting him enough to tell him. but he pushed it away saying that he had told me something important in his life before we started dating and i should have trusted him too, but what he told me everyone in his undergrad knew, his parents knew, he had told a couple of friends on campus too, and i tried telling him that it isn't the same thing, my secret was mine and only mine, not one other soul knew about it and i told him in all confidence but he didn't accept this. A month later he comes to me and tells me that the only way he can be peaceful was if he was allowed to be with as many people as i was with and i agreed, thinking if this is what it will take to be with hims o be it, then last year in December he finally did do it, he hooked up with a his friends Gf when they were both drunk, told me about it the next day and i was very hurt, i told him that according to our deal i didn't want to know the girl, and she can't be a friend, and that we had spent the last NYE with her and that he had ruined all those memories for me.. But after a point i let go cause i had agreed to this little contract of ours, in all this time my feelings of Y are if not the same as before are still there, i kept my promise to him that a part of my heart will always be with him, I am still dating Z but recently W made contact , i had dated him in highschool and we only talk about DC comics, i don't talk to my bf about this because he has no interest in DC or anything that is animated or in comic format, we only talk about this and now he saw my insta msgs where me and W are discussing DC comics and we only talk about the post, (no personal talking, no how are you doing none of that) we only discuss the post and my Z thinks i am being disrespectful to him because he asked me to reduce talking to W but i didn't stop, after he told me to reduce talking to W i sent him 2 msges on different occasions, but that Z thinks is disrespectful and that I hurt his self-esteem and that i'm talking to him on purpose. Every time i tell Z i want to have a conversation he tells me that i have other people to talk to and that we both can't have conversations as our interests are different. I miss Y, and i see his insta posts and i am so happy that he is doing so well and is in a happy relationship, but i love Z, i know that if i was with Y now i would keep thinking about Z, but being with Z i still think about Y from time to time. My question is - Is Z over reacting or am i actually disrespecting him by msging W. 2nd i don't want to talk to AP anymore, and i feel that she is being fake. 3rd am i a horrible person for lying to Z about how many people i had been with initially? and finally is it normal to love someone without being with them and don't want to be with them in the future? TL;DR : Bf tells me that i am disrespecting him by going against his wishes by texting my ex-boyfriend.
2020.07.10 10:23 GushnaranaLadies and Gents, please... for the love of god, don’t wait like I did...
If you have a crush right now and you got any hint that they might like you back, just go for it! The worst they can say is no, which is kinda bad on the moment but you’ll most likely get over it. But if there’s one thing you shouldn’t do is do what I did... In my last year of Highschool, I met a girl and we quickly became friends, like suspiciously quickly (I’m the shy type of guy so I don’t make friends easily). For the whole year we just kept on being friends, she was hanging out with her friends while I was with mine. In most class that we were together she would always want to be in teams with me, in the hallways she would just randomly hug me and br when we were in teams she would open up to me about personal stuff... I would do the same. But then came the end of the year, being the dumbass that I am I didn’t register all those obvious hints that she liked me back, so since I had no one to go with, I didn’t go to prom and then proceeded to not talk to her for the next 2 years... worst mistake of my life and I now for the past 40mins, I fucking hate myself because I’ve finally had the courage to tell her how I feel, and as expected, she is seeing someone but that’s not the worst part... it’s today that I learned that she loved me back. I’ve never felt that kinda pain because she’s the first girl that I really liked like that and honestly... I can’t believe how much of an idiot I was and still am. Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I will now go and cry in that corner over there.
So there's this girl I used to be interested in but suddenly fell off after past actions. It all started when I wrote a letter to her about how she made me feel and how I would love to pair and grow into something amazing, I'm a pretty nervous guy due to past events, so I feel like me writing out my feelings was the closest she could get to knowing the truth, so after she was done reading I asked her what do you think or how do you feel? I was left with no reply only to wait until later came so I can hear what she had to say. I started feeling iffy about what I did because she started acting strange like whenever I tried reminding her, she'd say the same thing, until after a few more attempts I had finally given up. I felt like maybe she didn't care that much about how I felt about her or maybe she was just a shy person as well, so a couple days later I wrote another letter about how I was leaving and how I wish I could be there for her, but in a turn of events I ended up not leaving, but staying. After the first letter I wasn't to ashamed anymore because I feel like, I can feel the feelings for her we're shriveling up, but I still tried because it was just something about her ya know? But like the first try, I never got a response, to me a response means a lot like if I share with you about something I'd be expecting for you to share back, because equality is everything to making everyone feel equal and we'll respected, so I started behaving a little more antisocial than I usually was, I didn't talk much, my humor hid itself, and I was always putting myself in a lonely corner, I started to realize that she actually was kinda in her feelings, because she started playing songs that had relations to what was going, basically songs of how she thought I'd be the one to save her, but then I again I'm an over thinker, so I thought maybe she was just referring to one of the dudes she'd be on the phone with, so I let it be and ignored the "could be" signs, I ignored it so much to the point where she doesn't even talk to me in a positive or healthy way, but stills plays the songs, but the way I'm built, it's like I've been lied to and left out all the time, even when I tried forcing myself in. So if I was to be left alone I'd be fine with it, because I learned to cope and comfort myself. So eventually I'd be ignoring everything she said to me that wasn't good, and it's not like I haven't lost all feelings for her, like I would wanna fix it, but I was taught to never double text the person if they don't reply yet, even though I broke the rule I didn't want to break it anymore, I wanted to see her efforts and make everything great again, but after hearing a couple of slick shots of how she was looking at other guys or talking to guys she'd already dealt with, I thought maybe she is done, so I burned all the feelings I had just like the two letters I wrote to her, and let it be, I'm not miserable or anything, because at the end my happiness comes from inside not giving by others, I just want someone to tell me if I'm the bad guy or if I did something wrong or maybe I'm not the problem at all? P.S: if you read all this and responded, you're a hero and I hope we could be friends, no matter who or what you are, I would love to start new friendships especially ones that grow deeper and deeper.
WARNING! This post may contain sexual assault and a brief discussion of self harm! Read at your own risk. Sorry if my grammar is terrible, I’m typing on my phone but I thought I’d share a little story. Anyways, this happened a few years back in middle school (7th-8th) up until my sophomore year of high school, I’m currently a Junior now. There was a guy in my middle school my new friends and I have met in our history class. He was very odd but all of us were pretty odd people so we didn’t come to judge. Our school system is pretty fucked up and each student that goes to school will get a fair amount of money, so they try to keep as many of their students as possible (keep that in mind). Cutting to 8th grade, my friend thought it would be a good idea to introduce ourselves. Her being very open to everyone and much more verbal than me, she started off the conversation. At the time, one of her friends, we’ll call him Anakin, had a deep crush for me and so did I. However, he is catholic and I am atheist so his mother did not approve. Plus, she didn’t like that I had dyed hair. So Anakin and I decided to do the relationship things, such as being affectionate and going out once in a while, but never kept the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend. The female friend, call her Cali which is an inside joke between us, would pick on us but shipped us a lot. The other guy, call him Jabba, was pretty nice at first and we all had a good laugh. Anakin was glad to finally have a male friend who was just as tall and weeb-like as him. Now things got creepy within a month or so. I used to be a very affectionate and warm welcoming person. I would hug Jabba every time I’d see him, just like I did with everyone else in the morning. I tended to everyone as well, giving them a minute or two just to catch up on their night, how they were doing, if they ate breakfast, etc. Jabba made my gut scream “GET OUT OF HERE” a lot, however I didn’t want to judge too quickly. He would get a bit touchy while hugging but I’d laugh it off and tell him no, he would always compliment me saying “I was a cute kohai.” He would say this because he was older than me by a few months and I am also part Japanese. His girlfriend, Padme, would get pretty jealous about this, considering she was still in 7th grade but skipped 6th grade. She was extremely fake to me but very rude behind my back. Me being too shy in middle school, I never said anything. Cutting to when it got really disturbing, Anakin and I were getting a lot more affectionate. Meaning we kissed more often and I’d constantly sit on his lap. Jabba took note of this. While Anakin was gone, he grabbed my waist and pulled me on to his lap, breathing against my neck while he held my thigh. He whispered that I had “Amazing breasts” and he “couldn’t stop thinking about them.” Cali saw this right after and got in between of the mess because she said I’m her “home girl.” A few hours into school and our ex friend, Drella, came crying to me about Jabba grabbing her butt in class. She said he touched other girls as well a few days ago but they didn’t say anything. I was never good with confrontation, so I told Cali and she confronted Jabba. Jabba denied it and grew defensive, saying we were faking this because he was white. From then on, Cali and I would laugh about it since we did not care what race he was but only cared that he was a total creep. Cut to a week or so later, Cali reports to the school that she was threatened by Jabba that he would slit her throat when she confessed she was bisexual. Padme wasn’t happy that Cali spoke up, threatening her on a daily basis. Padme was well aware I was a bigger target to Jabba compared to the other girls, so she befriended me to make sure I wouldn’t say anything. One day, Jabba and I were finally alone by coincidence. I was on my way to collect papers from my drama class to which I missed yesterday for a funeral. Jabba took guitar class which was right behind drama. He stopped me from walking out the gate to the hangout spot the friend group would be at and tried to have a conversation. I finally spoke up and said “I’m not interested, I have to meet our friends.” Yet he blocked the door easily since he was a lot taller and stronger than me, even though he was extremely thin. I was secretly bisexual at the time, not having the courage to speak up to my family. This was our encounter: J: Why are you leaving? Me: Like I said, I’m meeting up with our friends at the spot. J: You could just stay here with me. At this point, he started getting closer while I slowly backed away into a wall. Me: Maybe we should go see our friends, they’ll be worried if I’m not back by now. Cali is always looking out for me. J: You’ll be fine. I see the way Anakin treats you and it makes me unhappy. Me: I’m sorry you feel that way but it’s not my problem. I try to make my escape but he shoved me up against the wall, that being a jagged brick wall. My head hit the bricks and I cried out in pain but he covered my mouth. I had not noticed I scrapped my head and neck badly so it bled a little. J: I can make you feel so much better than he can. I don’t want you ending up like, Cali. She isn’t Bi, she just hasn’t been with the right man. I can treat you both very good. Me: I’m sorry...please let me go. I practically begged, wishing someone would come by. Knowing my luck, no one would since this side of the school was very secluded. Jabba grabbed and touched me everywhere, I stiffened in place from fear. Padme saw this and was not happy. Jabba claimed I forced him to do it, Padme slapped me across the cheek and told me that Jabba was her boyfriend. I quote this exactly from her. “If you ever tell anybody else about this, I will find out and I will tell everybody about your cutting.” At the time, I have been in and out of self harm between 6th and 9th grade. 8th grade was my biggest and major peek as I was struggling with stuff at home along with other personal issues. Padme tried to control a boy who was completely out of his mind, which is impossible. Toward the last week of my middle school year, Jabba went back to touching me. He had stopped after the encounter with Padme, which was a month ago, and it gave me time to breathe. Nobody else knew about what happened between the three of us and I suppressed my feelings and thoughts about it. I was terrified by the daily threats and comments Padme and Jabba made about me. The last week, he picked it up again but much worse. He would sit behind me in class and smell my hair, almost like he was softly moaning in my ear. It made me go absolutely insane and definitely not in a good way. Around the middle of the week, he had started whispering things and moaning in my ear while breathing heavily. He did this consistently in every class where he sat behind me, if not, he’d go out his way to torment me in other classes. The middle of that week, I had enough once he tried to grab a lock of my hair. I yanked my hair out of his hands, stood up, and smacked him in class during independent work. The teacher had sent me to the vice principal’s office to explain my actions. I explained that he was sexually harassing me along with some examples, she said she would look into it. However, all they did was tell him not to do it again. Moving on to sophomore, as he went to Cali’s school in our freshman year which was further behind mine, Cali said he’d be moving to a new school. Her school, in the same district, had caught him jerking off in the girl’s bathroom in one of the stalls. How he got in there? I don’t even want to know. Anakin and I had moved on before freshman year, since we were going to different school and dated a new girl right after. I wasn’t hurt one bit since he had not sealed the deal with us in the first place. I had completely forgotten about Jabba near the end of freshman year because I was getting back into therapy, I have not told anybody nor my therapist, and she would constantly remind me to love and respect myself since I lacked that. I had finally got into going on dates and all that fun stuff and had confessed to my parents about being bisexual along with my self harm issue. Everything seemed much better, my grades now being no lower than a B- since back then I’d barely pass with a D- in middle school. It was going well, until Cali had texted me that Jabba is moving to a new school. I was glad he was away from her since she had to deal with his threats and creepy tendencies. That was until, I saw his familiar looking face on my way to gym class, which was first period for me. He ended up in the same class as me. I told my boy best friend, Yoda, about the situation. I cried to him outside far away from everyone while waiting for class to start after we got dressed up. Jabba had noticed me while lining up close by me. I had changed my hair, from blue in middle school, to a mint green and purple, which was a hair dye fail. He noticed me from my voice while talking to Yoda. J: Yūrei, is that you? He looked closer at me and got closer as well. Yoda started to pay attention even more. Me: Hey, Jabba... J: Long time no see! How have you been? He seemed happy to see me and pulled me into a hug. I froze up and didn’t hug back, standing there extremely stiff. I felt his hands go from my back to my lower back and close to my butt. That was until, Yoda interfered and pulled me away. He said he needed help with something. It didn’t stop there, it was Volleyball season and our teacher decided to play volleyball in the tennis courts during the season. We needed teams. That would be me as captain, Yoda as co-captain, one of our female friends, and some other guy who was picked to be with us by the teacher. That guy already had problems with Yoda as Yoda does not take disrespect very lightly, but a grade is a grade to us. Jabba being the new kid, since we had been a month into school, was put into our team since nobody else picked him. At the time, I wore a form fitted, grey, v-neck shirt and some black leggings with pockets to hold my wallet and phone (my most valuable items). Jabba has noticed I got out of wearing stacked bracelets on my wrists to cover my cuts along with baggy clothing. He complimented my body in very specific ways. Such as “Your legs look nice, they look squeezable.” Which was one Yoda and I took lightly and laughed about. Jabba eventually went back to his close and touchy habits. Yoda had noticed and said I need to tell somebody because he wasn’t going to do it for me. I promised him it would be over. Jabba has only stayed for a week. My dad had noticed my mood changes, which I had in 8th and freshman year because of Jabba, and had enough of my attitude. I wouldn’t let him hug me, go near me, say he loves me, or even look at me. It was different with my mom since she’s a female, but I wouldn’t allow it with my dad or 3 brothers. He told me I had a day to fess up before he forced it out of me or the school. Instead of using my voice, I wrote on a paper about Jabba. He was extremely pissed about it and forced me into telling someone or else he’d tell the school. Knowing my dad, he would MAKE SURE Jabba would be expelled and I didn’t want him to cause a scene. My older brother had always talked about his math teacher, when he went to that school, and said he was very trustworthy. So I confessed to his teacher and he wrote it down to tell the assistant principal after school. The next day, one of the football coaches had escorted me on their little golf carts. Since the front office was all the way across from the gym. He knew I felt like I was in trouble but reassured me that it was not my fault. I thank him to this day for being so caring and a very laid back adult at the school, as he cared for every student equally no matter what. However, if he smelled bullshit on you then he would call you out immediately. Coach had left to deal with other things while I dealt with the AP. She had asked questions like a recorded message, that was until I confessed about Jabba and what he did to me along with other girls I knew about. She was one of the adults, along with the couch and my older brother’s math teacher, who cared deeply about the situation. She had immediately confronted Jabba right after during our 15 minute nutrition break (which was right after first period but I missed the majority of class). Long story short, he was finally expelled. My therapist was informed, by my parents, about the situation as they knew, along with me, that I needed extra help. The AP told the school psychologist about it and made me see him weekly. I didn’t like the extra attention I’d get from adults along with my friends and family, but I was relieved that at least someone was aware. The reason it is a semi-happy ending is because I still carry my fear of it happening again. I tend to hug people less often and I don’t like when people stand close to me without knowing them very well. Along with that, I struggled to enjoy a shower. I’d take from 5-8 minutes, in fear that I would be disgusting if I took longer due to having to touch my own body. I had recently got out of a relationship of 8 months last week and partially it was about me being defensive and constantly on edge when we would get intimate. The other part was personal between my ex and I. I have gone through people in friendships and relationships due to my trust issue, yet I’m thankful for the people who understand and stay patient with me. I’m very thankful Yoda and Cali were my mentors who kept my spirits up. I’m so glad Yoda had gotten me out of my shell as well. He was a big influence in my life to get me to wear more form fitted clothing and to embrace my body for my sake. Without everybody I have, I wouldn’t have had the courage to speak up and I would remain silent. I’m sorry if this is very long, there was just a lot to say.
2020.07.10 08:54 itsTurtleJThe Girl I Never Knew PT 3
After the day I got slap and also got confessed to by Jessica was the day for living hell for me onward in one month of me and Jessica have been together It was a Nice cold but also hot day it was a Monday and also I fear for my life this week but the time was 8:30 AM and I had to get ready for school After I take shower and get ready I went down stairs and a letter from my mom saying Mom note: Have a good day at school and also I made your favorite breakfast Eggs with bacon also Hash browns I was so happy that it was favorite breakfast I ate like a champ but the time was 9 AM and someone is knocking on my door I knew who it was but I was afraid to open it I took a deep breath and open the door it was Jessica my Girlfriend Turtle: Hey Jessica Jessica: Hey Darling aren’t we going to walk to school together Turtle: Well I- When I was about to say I want to walk alone today to Jessica I saw her eyes went blank and clutch her fist i was afraid of what was going to happen I responded quick Turtle: Yea we going to walk to together! As Jessica eyes went back to normal and she un-clutch her fist we started to walk to school As we was walking people from our school was talking about us People: Hey it that antisocial kid with black hair and his Girlfriend with blonde hair People: They make such a cute couple the shy kid and the Athletic girl When I hear they say that I can’t but wonder do they even know what going on be hide the scenes of this relationship We kept walking to school and made it inside the building at 10 AM then we split apart to go to our classrooms There something I want to tell everyone reading this the reason why the call me turtle because am afraid and am shy also don’t talk to many people i hide inside my metaphor shell because am afraid of what everyone think about me. When I sit down on my seat class is about to start soon and I check my phone it blowing up with messages from my Girlfriend it gives me the creeps but ignore it. After class ends at its lunch time at 12 AM Jessica opens the door and tell me to follow her in front of my class mates Jessica: Darling can you come with me for lunch Turtle: Sure As we walk we seat down in a room that nobody goes too and this is why I feel afraid of Jessica: why haven’t you respond to my texts When I check my phone I see 50 messages and some of them were a bit crazy like Respond or I make sure you regret it When I saw that I knew I Mess up and now probably to get hit by her it been like this for a week or two if am not near her or don’t respond to her text I get hit I knew it wasn’t going to end well for me as usual am the Afraid of her and she has power over me Just so you know am shorter then Jessica also weaker because I like reading and being with my friends a lot while on the other hand she more popular and also plays multiply sports she also has height and stronger over me. As the clock went by I see her eyes went blank and she clutch her fist and ... (Story end sorry for the cliffhanger I know people hate them and I do too but I think this is a good part to end this part of the story I hope you like it and thank you for the support and feedback on this. Ps Can you guess what happens Next)
2020.07.10 08:19 mick119920 [M4R] Young hung guy looking for a sexting partner
So I’m a young, 20yr old guy, British, 6ft 1 and relatively hung. I’m looking for someone who likes to show off and/or sexy with. Male or female. For guys it would be cool to compare and share your stories, maybes some girl you know, wife and girlfriends would be even hotter. Of course, a girl would be even better. Someone who likes a bit of fun and maybes likes to show off a little. I’m into all sorts and all different types so don’t be shy. Any age is fine, though preferably it would be nice to talk to people similar to my own age. If you’re interested just DM or PM me :)
2020.07.10 06:50 JH_Dank_DogFor those of you who feel as if you’re stuck on square 1, bottom tier, or just feel like you have bad social skills, this is a story that I hope will inspire you
TL;DR - It’s about attitude. For a while I gathered my confidence by using a “F*ck it!” mentality. A recent change in thinking has driven me to use a “It is what it is.” mentality, which has helped me achieve meaningful conversations that I’ve always hoped for Edit: If you have advice regarding keeping in touch long distance, or general social media advice, please comment some tips please. So, my family and I (M17) are chilling at the beach for a week. The resort is nice and there are many hot tubs, which (despite Corona) have a fair amount of people in them. Prior to this vacation, I’ve been cozy in our basement, gaming primarily on PC, for multiple weeks. My dad continually recommends that I get job already for good earnings and interacting with others. I don’t disagree but I like to take my time. For a while, I’ve thought that over time I’d find people that fit my niche interests by just being in public. Seeing that I “like” isolation, leaving my comfort zone is quite hard to do. The way I view it now, is that I’m extending / moving my comfort zone. Another thing that helped me progress is a change in mindset. When I felt shy and nervous, I would usually think “F*ck it!” or “What’s the worst that can happen?” By taking a less aggressive approach, I can think “It is what it is.” and be more relaxed, and be myself. Do I think putting on a persona is bad? If overdone, yes. However, by using a subtle persona and drawing out certain (less niche in my case) parts of your personality, I think it’s a great way to make first impressions and seem appealing (even if it isn’t your self-image). A small thing I’ve done to put myself out more is saying hello to people when entering a hot tub. If they’re interested and continue talking, a conversation is started. But, if they stay quiet, I respect their silence and enjoy the introverted side of my personality while I chill out. It started by finding a group of dudes who had similar music interests. Unfortunately I only spoke when their was a clear opportunity to speak, and there was long pauses without conversation (since they were playing music). I felt excluded, but they didn’t shoo me away or anything, so I saw it as progress. I’ll see them at the pool often and wave at em’, but it doesn’t go much farther than that. Today was when a leap and bound of progress was made. Sometime in the morning-noon, I had a the first smooth conversation of the week. I get in a hot tub with 2 girls (both 15) nonchalantly. I say hello, and from there we start talking. No niche topics, just situational and common things to talk about. Even though the convo ended after they left, it really boosted my confidence about my ability to interact with others (who may not be like me). Tonight, I went to the pool again by myself. My comfort zone away from home is my Nintendo Switch and my tunes, so I had some Pink Floyd to vibe to if things went bad. Luckily in my favorite hot tub, another girl (also 15) asked to join me, and we ended up chatting until around 9:30 PM (most likely over an hour of hanging out). I tried to get snap and IG, but she never added me. I vocally exclaimed “F in the chat” to the dudes around me, and went to find an empty hot tub so I could listen to Dark Side of the Moon. Oddly enough, there was another girl right about to get in the same hot tub. I already had my music playing, and was ready to stop talking and start vibing. She (also 15) noticed me vibing out and initiated the conversation, and we really hit it off. We talked about our experiences with E-learning, what we did during our vacation, and much more. I brought up my hobby of gaming, and to my surprise, she told me she plays on Xbox. Keep in mind, I thought she was basic (phone out, bikini, not active in conversation) at first, and good to chat with for more XP, but I was amazed to find someone with my kind of interests in the wild public pool of all places. We successfully exchanged Snap and IG, and I even stayed past curfew to keep talking. She eventually left, and I followed suit. Kinda sucks that they were all 2 years younger, but I figure if I can talk ok with 15 year olds, how hard can it be to talk with fellow 17 year olds. Anyhow, that’s the deets, but the takeaway from this post is the TL;DR. I feel sorry for the soul who has read all the way down to here, but if you did, I hope that this inspired you try to get out there more and find new people! Have a great day, and stay strong and healthy!
2020.07.10 05:54 alialibarrettI'm (21M) having so many issues with my best friend (21F) who was also my ex for a bit.
Tl;Dr my best friend and I tried a relationship for a while and didn't work out, now we're having fights over silly things and she isn't agreeing to try to go for therapy even though she knows she has Autism or BPD (Bipolar Personality Disorder). I me this girl and we clicked right away. She had just broke up with her ex and she was so insecure and had so many problems. We agreed to try it for a relationship, but it ended a month later only because I made a simple joke about her ex. There was a festival going on and I didn't have tickets but her ex had, so I said in a joking way, well you should go with your ex and she hung up in my face. After that I went and rented a car because I didn't have a car at that time and I bought her some flowers to make it right and so we can go to the concert, but she started saying she's really not into the mood and it made me really angry and I just exploded on her, saying that I literally always get myself broke for her, and I always get out of my way to look for her and take care of her, and that she doesn't take any jokes like a little kid. She said no one has ever said those words to her, and she decided she doesn't want a relationship anymore. I told her fine and then when we met she started hugging me and saying it's okay I just want to see some effort from you. 2 weeks later she travels to her family, and I text her "I love you" which she replies to, pls don't. I ask her what's the matter and she says she was hurt from what I did and that she needs to focus on her future and studying and she just had a heartbreak from her ex and she's not over him and relationships make her emotional and she doesn't want that. So she asked if we could be friends. I got angry at her again, that she broke up with me for a stupid reason, if she can't take a joke which led me to explode on her with words.. How will she go on when more issues start developing in the relationship? We kept having many small fights on text. One of them she was asking me, do you know BPD (Bipolar Personality Disorder) and I said what's that? And she said "Google it" and I did then I replied with "so are you saying I have that?" and she got angry at me because she thinks that SHE has it, not me. So we stopped talking and we ended on really bad terms, this was in October of 2019. Then I decided I'll give her some space, until her birthday, March of 2020. In those 5 months she posted on her Facebook that she needs help from her friends by liking her post about her assignment so she can get a good mark. So I went a bought her thousands of likes and comments so she can be happy.. But I never said it was me. I just told her friends and asked him to not say anything. I spent 5 months, collecting the best gifts she will ever get. I got her many sneakers and clothes. Like WAY too many. So much makeup and perfume and it was all way too much.. I couldn't even hold the boxes to go get them wrapped. a months before her birthday I get a message from her friend let's call her [Suzan] saying to me, she wants to send you this message which says [hi I don't mean to bother you or anything because you blocked me I couldn't send you this message, thank you for helping me with my assignment I appreciate it alot and I wish you all good and the best of luck] Then I replied with [okay whatever], showing no interest in her. Her birthday comes after exactly a month from her friend texting me and I sent her a text because I noticed she unblocked me. And I said, hi.. Happy birthday, I got you a gift and I'll send it to you today. She was surprised and she said she thought I forgot about her and that I hated her and she said how about I go and give her the gifts? I then thought about and decided to go. She literally was so surprised of how many gifts I got and how much the box was big. And she gave me a hug and we went to the car so we can talk. We started talking and she said I'm sorry for everything, and she admitted the fact that her problem is not communicating like adults and thinking that silence treatment will work. She was clearly happy that I was there, and invited me to her birthday party the next day. The next day comes.. Which I can easily say it's the worst day of my life.. She sent me the location of where the party will be at 11 PM, I went there a bit late. At like 1 Am. After I went in she was drunk. And she came and gave me a very tight hug. I felt so happy. I went to the balcony to look at the view and she came after me and kissed me and she went to all of her friends one by one telling them what I got her for her birthday and how amazed she was by the gifts. Suddenly after that I notice that all her male friends are starting to touch her. Touch her on her butt and try to make out with her. And she's going along with it.. Except for some guys which she never told them no but they kept going. Suzan, her friend started looking at me everytime someone is touching her, and she saw how devastated I was. Then suddenly one of her shitty friends sits on the couch and she comes and sits facing him on his lap infront of everyone. I then go to the room and her friend "Suzan" tells me she wants to talk with me. I go with her to another room were "Suzan and her other friend" are there and she started yelling at me, don't you have self respect for yourself? Can't you see how she's acting like a bitch and not respecting you? Yes you're not her boyfriend and she invited you as a friend, but she can't even tell how hurt you are, I just can't look at you everytime someone is touching her, your eyes tearing up are breaking my heart, she's my friend, but I'm telling you this because I feeling the heartbreak you are feeling right now.. She even was making out with that guy she sat on his lap even before you came and no one can do those stuff if they don't want to even if she's drunk and those are just sober thoughts and I just started crying infront of them both, while my ex was outside knocking on the door because she wanted to go to sleep, I then get out of the room and she notices that I was talking with two of her friends and she says " what are you guys talking about? And I tell her nothing and leave to the living room, she then follows me and talks to me that tomorrow morning we will talk but that I now should go home it's late, I told her no I'm not going home I live far away and I'm not driving at 4 Am which she got a bit angry at me but I insisted so I stayed. Then she goes to her room and I said oh finally she went to sleep away from these guys. Even at this point I was blaming all the guys and not her. Then suddenly I heard her moan for one time inside.. I can't describe the feeling I felt at that moment. Even though some of you will say she's not your girlfriend, but love is blind.. And I never felt heartbroken and shttier than that moment.. And even my friend noticed. I begged her friend to knock on her and get her out, she's drunk and I don't want anyone to take advantage of her "again defending her". Her friends goes and knocks on the door and calls her many times, after 20 minutes she goes out and is angry and drunk and just looks bad. And says what's going on? And I told her ask yourself, were you having sex with that guy? And she said no we were only making out I'm on my period and I already know my boundaries and there's a big difference between making out and having sex and I'll return all your gifts back and it's not your business anyway and you can't control me, She got angry and went back to the room with that guy, her friend Suzan looked at me and told me if you ever talk to her again you're an idiot, you did everything for her, she texted me and said that the gifts you got her are the best things ever and no one ever has done something like that to her before and she's still not respecting you or respecting your feelings. I stayed there until the morning shocked. Then I went home. I slept for like 5 hours before I get a text from her, then two missed calls, then she says "Look I talked to Suzan and they said you were sad and I really want to apologize for everything I did to you, I swear I didn't mean anything I was drunk I don't know if you can understand but please say anything don't keep anything inside of you" I then exploded on her again saying that every person there has touched her ass, tried to make out with her, that she always used to tell me she's shy, but clearly she wasn't shy in her birthday party and that I regret getting her gifts and that I hope I never see her again and many many things because I was literally dying from the inside. She said again I'm shocked of what you have told me on my birthday and that it's the second time I exploded on her and insult her like this. And then she said bye. But she didn't block me. Two hours later she started posting stories on Instagram that she "Hates herself". A couple of days later I ask Suzan if I should ask for my gifts back or no. Which she replies to "I don't know", then she sends me a message from my ex saying. "Tell him that I will put the gifts in my apartment for the whole day, because I was moving to an apartment in another floor anyway, he will take his stuff and he won't see me, I know I'm a bad person right now and I always do bad decesion and I feel bad for it, I'm sorry for getting you into this I'll be gone for a while and take care" She then deletes all her social media, I though about that message and wrote her a message telling her that I'm really disappointed in her and that she can keep the gifts because I got them just for her and I spent so much time and effort and money in getting them, and if you return them I will throw them away because I didn't ask for them back, you said when you were drunk that you wanted to return them. And I asked Suzan to send it to her because she deleted everything. She then downloads whatsapp again to text me, and she said my friends saw how you insulted me and they all said I should throw your gifts away but i will not be childish like you, I felt bad for you at first because I felt that I broke your heart but after you said those words to me I wish I never see you again in my life. And we started fighting over text but this time.. Unlike any other time we argued on text, she didn't block me and neither did I. We kept arguing and somehow we decided to talk for a bit and communicate, that she didn't know she was breaking my heart and she thought I didn't love her anymore and that anyway it's not my business and that she's not a whore, and she only made out with him but didn't have sex and there's a big difference. And we both just calmed down. A week after that we met, she talked about that day, and I told her everything she did while she's drunk and she said.. I don't remember most of these and I'm really sorry and it's shameful what I did and I will never do it again like that. I shouldn't have done that infront if everyone and everyone seeing me and hearing me. I thought that it's clear she felt bad about what happened and I realized that when I got her those gifts my intention was to get my best friend back, not my girlfriend. And she said she really wants us to be friends again. And if we want a relationship together again we both have to change, and that she checked herself back in December and turns out she has a mental illness but she doesn't know what it is yet and she says she thinks she has Autism, Then we spent the whole day together normally. And we got many groceries for our homes because the quarantine and lockdown starts the very next day. After I went home and quarantine started, we spent 4 months from March until now July, just texting, it was really going well and she sometimes initiates the conversation and tells me "Good morning" and I always send her snacks to her apartment because not all delivery services deliver there and everything was going smoothly. But deep down I was still hurt fr that day.. And I wanted her to make it up for me.. Although she has already said she will make it up for me and she will also get me a gift. But lockdown came at the wrong time.. 10 days ago I text her and I was somehow provoking her, and I didn't feel it.. Because I was still hurt. She said we're almost going to the fights and I don't want us to get into this situation of us fighting every once in a while, I want to be happy and I want you to be happy too, I told her honestly I'm still hurt from what happened, and I feel you lied to me. Because Suzan said you were making out with that guy even before I came, but you told me when we met that you just wanted to sleep and you were drunk and he followed you to the room to make out with you. She then got angry again saying" didn't we say to forget about the past? I told you to give us a solution to not fight like always, not mention the past, and yes I made out with him before you came, whether you came or not it happened and if it happens once and twice and 10 times it's not your business and I just want to ask you who do you think you are at that day? Everybody noticed you were trying to control me. I replied with " I didn't say anything about you making our with him, it's not my business yes but my question was why did you lie to me? And who do I think I am? Well let me tell you, I'm the guy that saw the girl he loved being touched by 5 men and then moaning in her room. And she replied with well that's who I am, A whore right?? Just like you just described me in your message. Then we went on a bit and she said I'm not getting over what happened and that she's over what happened and I told her, well of course you're over it you're not the one that got hurt. And she got angry because I accused her of lying and because I asked her "did you have sex with him? Which she felt insulted because she thought I was describing her as a whore. This was 10 days ago. And she blocked me Two days ago I try to make things right again and I send her a message from my friends phone and she says no, it's goodbye and I treat you like you treat me (but deep down if I want to do this and treat her like she treats me, she will probably hate me from the first day) She said that I made her feel bad about what happened and made her feel guilty and made her hate herself, and that I think of her in a wrong way and that there's no hope in even being friends. And that I previously during lockdown has told her "why don't you see a doctor" and she felt attacked by that. And we thanked each other for everything and she will always remember the good things about me and we both thanked each other and decided to forget about the past and to forgive each other, and she admitted that she hurt me but that I have hurt her too. And I told her okay, I just want you to be the happiest girl ever and I wanted us to be good friends again but if this decesion makes you happy then go ahead, and she said it's hard to say I'm happy but I think it's the best for us and we stopped talking on good terms this time without blocking each other. I know that some of you here might say I'm in the wrong because I was just invited as a friend to her party, but I was really hurt and I decided to forgive her, but I don't know. The lockdown made me think about it alot and made me angry and made me think she was lying because Suzan mentioned that extra thing that she didn't say. I'm really bothered by all of this, I just want us to be friends again because we both want that, and if it wasn't for the birthday incident literally a day after I came back to her, we would have been good friends again, but so many misunderstandings are happening and she's not accepting the fact that she needs to see a therapist, even if she doesn't have anything wrong, at least check herself, and I'm always asking on reddit questions about her and it is shown in my history posts and I might need therapy too, I'm not claiming to be perfect human being, I get anger issue and provoke people alot. But at least I'm acknowledging it and trying to be open minded about it . I really want to be friends with this girl, and she does as well and I'm sure of that because I know her and I want to get over what happened, but my mind is killing me since March and always telling me I should take revenge in anyway.. And I don't want to hurt her but it's hurting me alot and I can't even focus on anything and everytime I take a shower I start crying because she's not trying to understand my point of view. I also forgot to mention above that I have an e-commerce business that I made, and the name goes by her name. And when I told her about it a day after we argued for the birthday thing she was amazed and felt bad even more so she had to make things right. I'm now hoping that she will just wish me a happy birthday in September so I can find a way to talk to her, I don't want to text her now so she doesn't think I'm dying for her. I really wasn't trying to insult her I just told her that I thought she was lying and that'd why I was unintentionally provoking her in someway. I want us to both be happy and I really need your guys suggestions on this . I can be a bit understanding on this but she isn't and she didn't try accepting to meet and work things out like when we met and worked things out a week after her birthday, I only saw her twice since March because of the lockdown but now everything is opening up here again and I really don't know what to do and I can't even sleep thinking about it. Please help...
2020.07.10 05:49 BlueGuardian24What changes have you seen in your girl after trying this and what changes have you had as a girl?
My ex-girlfriend Liz was mostly shy and serious. She was unsure about her face, she is what we can call a butterface as such, somewhat ugly, but with a simply amazing, huge, round and beautiful ass, good size tits, long and fat legs. We met very young, she began to develop that incredible ass that I am talking about and she had many insecurities about her physique. I was lucky to meet her when she still didn't feel sexy or realized the power of her ass and maybe that's why she listened to me and we could be a couple. Even when she agreed to try this lifestyle, one of her biggest fears was being rejected by the guys. I knew that no one would reject her with that ass, but it is not something you can tell your girlfriend unsure of her physique and still doubtful to try this. She obviously succeeded in seducing other guys. The first were friends who were kind and did not mention her butterface situation. But then others came who had no problem telling her, some quite rudely. She was depressed at first but then used it to her advantage, wearing tight jeans, mini shorts, etc etc She enjoyed the approval of other guys more than mine, "I know you always say that my ass is incredible, but you are my boyfriend, you love me, when another guy says it, it's incredible" It was fun to see how she went from being an insecure girl to an empowered woman who knew her strengths and exploited them. With this I would like you to share with me what changes you saw in your girls, or better still what the girls think about this and if they suffered a similar change, share.
Hey guys, i didn’t think i would find myself typing this but I mean i don’t have anyone to talk to at this point. So I don’t know where to start to be honest, I’m 20 years old and right now I have no idea if I’m happy or I’m sad or maybe I’m just alone. *its going to get personal here but if you think you could relate then read. But if you don’t want to then that’s okay. March-April So yeah I’m 20 I live in California, the golden state. There’s a lot of people then there’s me I work at a local Target (you’ll hear more about it). I go to community college and if the low chance you think you may know who I am due to my name and Information here you might be right so hi. I don’t really have anyone to talk to I mean I have a few friends but honestly we aren’t as close as I wish we would be I can’t really talk to them because I know they won’t care. I had a friend but I kinda messed up our friendship when his ex and I had sex. It wasn’t like just sex to you know have fun or anything I really trusted her and she trusted me, we had been friends since we graduated high school and we have always kinda been really close since 2018 well I caught feelings and she did after my friend and her broke up but then things just messed up due to me I was hesitant about being with her. Because of my friend I felt guilty and we stopped having sex then I went to a party with all my friends and she was there and we’ll I got drunk and high she got drunk. We spoke there but not much about us, I just comforted her because she was crying and she had asked for me. After the party we went home still drunk I was and high I texted her. I drove to her house drunk (stupid never doing it again , I’m so happy no one was on the road because I was being really stupid.) and we had sex. After that I went home we were friends with benefits but that just made things worse. So stopped just talking and being friends. (I had lost probably my one best friend really) I told my friend about his ex and I and he stopped talking to me and due to that I don’t really see my other friends as much because he’s always around and he refuses to hang out with them if I’m around. This happened around March - April I still don’t talk to my friends as much to this day. May-June My ex an I talk I think. Idk tbh I just I’m a fuck up. We dated we broke up in December of 2019 it lasted from may - December so like 7 months . We have talked and argued and talked and argued we would like send pictures and stuff but I told I don’t see myself in a relationship. We were friends with benefits but I eventually hurt her because I told I don’t want a relationship with her or anyone I don’t think I’m capable of that. She and I don’t talk anymore. I’m sorry. She didn’t deserve that she’s a good person really but I just don’t have those feelings for her. So I lost her as well. Why am I able to say I feel bad and mean it but I still do stupid things like that. Now It’s july, remember I said I work at target? Well here it goes, so I started working there in towards the end of April and it’s an okay job, it’s not bad but it’s not the best recently they hired this girl and I’m an awkward guy really. Like sometimes I can talk to girls but sometimes I have so much trouble like with her I felt nervous and I guess shy. I let my co-worker Jose know that I thought she was cute and that I wanted to ask her for her number but I was nervous and I wasn’t sure if I should. He told me to do it that she just graduated high school so she’s 18 right now. Then I asked my other co-worker Myra if I should and she said to do it that I have nothing to lose, and that life is too short to not not do something about it. I was really nervous and I remember like flipping a coin using Siri to see if I should and usually it always gets tails and I asked myra which option should be “yes” to getting her number and she said heads and I said “alright usually it lands tails so okay” and guess what. It landed HEADS. Myra and I laughed and she said now you have to do it and me still nervous and scared I asked Siri to flip again and it landed heads. So now it had to happen. I asked Evelyn, that’s her name guys and she said she would think about because she has a boyfriend but they’re having issues. I froze when she told me that, I didn’t know what to really say so I just said “oh okay, I didn’t know I’m sorry.” And I forgot what she said but I just kinda walked away thinking to myself damn I’m so stupid and I remember thinking that I should have at least said “take your time don’t worry about it okay?” But I didn’t. So like I didn’t get hurt but I was really bummed out. I don’t know if I made things awkward. I don’t really have friends thinking about it now, like I wish I can say I had a best friend but if you were to ask me who is my best friend I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer because I don’t. It’s kind of sad like I wish I had a best friend or something. Kinda like in the movies or something yesterday I saw this random co worker at work and I was like “I should say hey or something, like who know that guy can be my best friend in the future or whatever” Really I am alone, I wish I was capable of talking to people because I want to have a best friend, I want to have a girlfriend, people who I can love other than my family. I try to do the best I can. I want people to like me, I want to make people happy and stuff but I’m so used to messing up I kind of hold myself back. I’m 20 I’m not depressed at least I believe I’m not, I feel like I can be shy but sometimes I donmt feel that. What I really want right now is just someone to love I suppose. Sorry for ranting guys, if you guys have anything feel free to say it.
2020.07.10 04:21 Starberriez[PI]"Your master told you that you have the intelligence of a legendary wizard, but none of the needed power. During the free period of the annual wizard council, you met another apprentice that was told they have the power of a legendary wizard, but none of the needed intelligence."
This an unfinished continuation of this prompt! "Twilight Siege" Hadrian Magic is a strange thing to master, but the rewards are beyond anything I could ever imagine. Ever since I learned about magic and the endless possibilities that came with being a wizard, I started to study every magic book I could get my hands on. I was chosen to leave normal school early to train at the advanced wizarding academy for humans. I was always at the top of my class, and of course I got into the apprenticeship program with no trouble at all. I know all the spells, the proper diction, the right posture and arm placement. But I can never get the hang of manipulating magic itself, which is the most infuriating part of all of my wizarding studies. Magic doesn't come as easily to humans as it does to other creatures, which have innate magic that flows freely throughout their bodies. We have our magical capabilities condensed in the form of souls, which are locked away deep in our consciousness. It makes us difficult to harm permanently with magic, but it also makes it difficult to access magic. Wizards must tap into the soul and manipulate it into magic spells that you would see in the textbooks. Except tapping into the soul feels like tearing a phonebook in half, or cracking open a jawbreaker with nothing but your fingers. No matter how hard I try, I just can't tap into my soul properly. Maybe I could let loose a sad sputter of sparks on a good day or make a weak illusion smoke potion once in a while, but it feels impossible otherwise. Master Eli's meditation sessions are boring as hell to sit through, and I feel like I just stopped moving forward the second I graduated from the wizarding academy. Master Eli often tells me that I'm a prodigy, but I need to "unlock my inner peace," whatever that means. I'm certain that if I study harder and learn more about the properties of the soul, I can finally get a move on and become a real wizard myself. I take the annual Wizard Council meetings very seriously. I see it as a great opportunity to network with other wizards, both fully realized and apprenticed. Maybe a part of me thinks that if I have powerful friends in powerful places, no one would question why I couldn't even summon a simple flame spell despite being top of the class at the academy. Maybe I could get away with essentially being a fraud instead of letting my years of work go to waste. Despite it all, and despite forcing myself to be positive, seeing all the other apprentices around me discuss all the new spells they've been working on, or how amazing their latest potion turned out, pisses me off. Especially this new apprentice, who's been shooting little sparks and making annoyingly perfect little bunny illusions all day. "Just who the hell do you think you are, showing off so casually at the Council meetings? We're supposed to be showcasing our progress, not one-upping everyone," I sneer. "Oh, I'm not trying to show off at all! I just love making little illusions, it's my favorite type of spell! I'm so sorry if it came off that way!" she replies, forcing all her illusions to disappear with a wave of her hand. She tucks her dark brown hair back into its braid. "This is my first Wizard Council meeting! I'm a bit nervous, but also excited! Sorry again, I'm not the best with etiquette!" I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I see that. This is a serious event where wizards from all over gather and exchange the cutting edge of magical news and discoveries! Get your head out of the clouds." "Oh, OK! I'll keep that in mind," she says. "I'm Kiera, by the way! I graduated from the human wizarding academy just last year!" "Hadrian. I'm two years out from the academy myself. Top of the class." "Whoa, that's awesome! I was pretty good too, although I was never too good at memorizing spells and stuff! I just do it, so I never thought about that kind of stuff." "Well, you've got a long way to go then," I say dismissively. "I know just about every spell in the book. It's just a matter of executing them right." Kiera's eyes grow wide. "Wow, I wish I could memorize that much stuff! My master, Master Delia, says I've got a natural gift for magic, but I need more discipline. I dunno though, the books and diagrams are the most boooring part!" "Well, lucky you!" I snap. "Some of us aren't magic savants like you. Some of us work all day and night, only to barely scrape by and turn out awful, weak spells!" Kiera went quiet. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't want to come off as bragging again. So sorry." I scoff. "Whatever. I bet Master Eli needs me. He's a third-rank wizard, so he's got lots to do." I turn around and storm out of the break room, seething. Who does she think she is, going around being a perfect little wizard apprentice who has perfectly natural magical skills and breezed through the academy without even studying or learning her positions? Gods, I didn't even want to think about her anymore. Everything about her just annoys me to no end. I walk through the halls, passing through the crowds like a specter. Common gnomes, which are typical around this area, busily clean the floors and dust off the decor around the castle. I finally found the third-rank wizard's quarters. The closed meetings among the highest caliber of wizards should be over by now. "Hadrian, good timing," says Master Eli's gentle voice as I enter the room. "There's been some discussions of great importance that have been taking place." I sit myself in the velvet chair next to him. "What is it? Any new spell discoveries? Or maybe a new clan of dark magic users?" "Not quite. The High Committee has heard rumors that the castle will be attacked this year. They mentioned spies hiding among the crowds, listening in and biding their time." "What? Spies? Why can't we just kick them out?" "It's not that easy, fellow," says another wizard. Her long grey hair cascades down her shoulders. "The attack is already under way. It's going to be a siege, and we must defend to keep our secrets and our people safe." "Xandra is right. Hadrian, I don't think it's safe for us to return to the tower. Besides, my responsibility as a member of the Secondary Committee means I must stay here and help keep the rest of the community safe." "Oh, well if it must be done, then I guess that's that." I slump in my chair. This means my training will have to come to halt for now. And I have to stay stuck among a bunch of know-it-all apprentices who think their magic is the best. "Hadrian, I'd like for you to wait until the official briefing tonight before mentioning the possible attack. We don't want a panic to rouse the castle and make us too stricken with fear to organize." "Yes, of course, Master Eli. I'll be in my room." I've had enough of today. I just want to forget about the day and read more spell books in my temporary room. I wasn't going to waste a second of study time, especially now that we might be stuck here for longer than I expected. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kiera I watch Hadrian leave the room in a huff. I didn’t mean to offend him! But now I feel awfully guilty. Maybe I was showing off a little bit. I make a mental note to have some better control of my magic while I’m here. I want to make friends, not enemies! Looking around the break room, I spot another group of apprentices. I don’t know anyone here, but that’s why I’m here! I approach them, hoping to make a good impression. “Hi everyone! What are you guys up to?” A red-haired girl with emerald green eyes turns to me. “Oh, we’re just discussing potion making! Charlie was just talking about his newest satiating potion.” A boy with a plain grey cloak and chestnut colored hair laughs. “Yep! It keeps you feeling full and quenched for five whole hours! It’s useful for studying without any snack breaks.” “I haven’t seen you around before,” says the red-haired girl. “Yeah! I’m Kiera. This is my very first Wizard Council meeting! I only started my apprenticeship this year!” I explain excitedly. “I’m really excited to meet all the other wizards and apprentices!” The girl smiles. “Welcome! I’m Lillian, but you can just call me Lill. I study under Master Anidoria! She’s a fourth-rank wizard who specializes in potions, but she says she might move up to third-rank soon! That’ll be cool to see!” “I’m Charlie. My master also specializes in potions, but he does some summoning magic too,” says the chestnut-haired boy. “Zane!” says a peppy blonde apprentice, shaking my hand. “Nice to meet ya! This is my boyfriend, Troy!” He gestures to an apprentice with long auburn hair and pale skin. He sweetly smiles at me. “Wow, it’s great to meet all of you!” I squeal. “I don’t know too much about potions though, the few times I’ve tried all ended up turning into smoke or became too bitter to drink!” “Hey, that’s alright! It happens to all potion beginners,” says Lill. “At least you made some sort of magic happen, though! It took me a solid month to get even a little magic going in potions at the start.” “Oh, um, thanks,” I say, blushing. “It’s still a mess though. I’m no good at all, really.” Charlie shrugs. “I agree with Lill. In the academy, it’s all technical stuff and the concepts behind magic. It’s a lot harder to actually make it happen. You’re a real magic genius to make even a smoking potion on your first go at it.” I look down. “Maybe. I dunno. It just feels disappointing that I can't make a working potion, or even a useful spell that won’t totally blow up. I’m not exactly the best with positions and stuff like that.” “Heh, that's OK,” says Troy. “Not everyone is cut out for potions. I’m more of a summoner myself. Why don’t you show off one of your spells instead?” I brush him off nervously. “Oof, I dunno about that either.” “C’mon! We saw you making some awesome illusions earlier!” says Zane. “Don’t be shy, we won’t bite ya! “W-well, if you insist. I’ll try.” The others cheer. I always hate trying to use spells in front of others. It makes me so nervous! I feel like I have to be perfect. But unfortunately, the jitters never make my spells any better. In fact, they usually turn out all crummy and out of control. But I want new friends. That’s why I came here. I can’t disappoint them. I take a deep breath to try and calm myself down. I feel my soul humming with anticipation inside of my head. I draw upon the power wound up inside; that’s the easy part. The magic comes loose like thread in water as I try to redirect it to the very tips of my fingers. I need to react quickly before it reaches the formations point. My mind zips to the very first thing it can — a bunny like last time — and I let the magic loose into the world. It swirls with a soft white light before forming into its rabbit shape, bounding ethereally through the air. It’s really cute and simple, and it didn’t go wrong at all. Well, except for the trail of magic shedding off of its back end. I must’ve accidentally made it less stable than usual. The group gasps with delight. “Aww, how sweet!” exclaims Lill. “Very neat,” notes Troy. I twiddle my thumbs around. “Thanks! It’s pretty cool, I guess. It’s one of things I do when I’m bored and not thinking too hard, and only with a little bit of magic. A lot more would be tricky to handle for me.” “Well, this is the place to try it out, right?” says Zane. “I thought this was a professional thing? Another apprentice said -- “ “Meh, it’s only really super serious for the high-level wizards,” states Zane. “We apprentices still have a little time to have some fun!” “Oh, alright then,” I say. I’m glad it’s not as stuffy as that Hadrian made it out to be. I’ll admit, I’m not that into all the technical stuff, even when I probably should be as an up-and -coming wizard. Master Delia scolds me about it to no end! “How are you with combat spells?” asks Troy. With a careful flick, an ethereal blue flame rises up into the air out of his fingertips. “My master helps me refine my elemental spells, especially. Took me ages to get a flame going this hot and controlled.” I stare at that fire, mesmerized. “Woah. That’s really good!” I feel entranced by the way the flame wavers and flickers like ribbon in a gentle wind. “My flame spells never turn out this good.” “Troy’s a real pro! He’s been training for a year longer than us three too,” squeals Zane. “I’m real proud of him! I just know that he’s gonna be enlisted in a great defense force one day.” The blue flame disappears without a trace of smoke. “I can teach you, if you want,” says Troy, smiling gently. “That’s what us fellow apprentices do. We gotta help each other out to get us all sworn into the Wizard Council officially.” “Wow, I’d love that! I don’t know how much it’ll help, but it might be worth a shot!” I blush again. Maybe this could be the first real spell I can learn! “Here. To start, you flick upwards, like with a basic flame spell.” Troy effortlessly waves his hand, summoning a vibrant orange fire. I take a deep breath and try my very hardest to concentrate. I try to remember what Troy had just done. Upwards, right? Do the fingers splay out, or upwards? Argh, I forget! I hesitate as I flick, sending an explosive smattering of sparks flying out of my fingers. The others quickly shield against the wayward sparks. “Well, almost,” says Troy. “Phew, you almost lit my tunic on fire!” exclaims Charlie, brushing off a stray ash. “Oh no, sorry! I have a hard time concentrating…” I murmur with shame. “That’s alright. Don’t worry about it too much, OK? I always find it easier to relax and take some time to really hone in my focus.” Troy smiles sweetly. “It just takes a little patience. Flick upwards, with fingers pointed up.” “Hmm, alright. Sorry! I’ll try again!” I close my eyes and concentrate as hard as I can, trying my best to rein in the power churning inside my soul. I take a deep breath and flick my hand upwards, trying to imitate Troy’s form. I focus on the magic surging out through my fingertips, which is becoming hotter and hotter as it swells closer to its exit point. I feel a dim heat radiating from my hand. A peek open one eye to see a tiny flame hovering in the air above my fingertips! I can’t believe it’s working! “Great! Now you just have to make it bigger and hotter. Try to direct most of the magical energy to the base of the fire.” I breathe in and confidently pump magic through my body towards the little fire. The ember grows tall and angry, flaring with a hot blue glow. The tip of the flame spews licks of hot fire in all directions, and I can feel the intense heat searing my face. “Whoah, reel it just a notch!” says Troy, looking over at me with concern. “You have to keep it controlled. Don’t let it explode!” “A-ah! I can’t!” The moment turns sour and horrible in an instant. The blue glow turns into a molten white, desperately reaching out beyond its confines and sucking out all the air it could grab. I shriek as I panic and cut off the magic from my soul abruptly, bottling it up deep inside of me. But it’s too late. The massive fireball begins to roar and grow. I yank my hand away from the hungry flames, the heat sweltering hot and suffocatingly dry. I look up at the horrible fireball in terror. I had gone and screwed it up again. And this time, the apprentices at the Wizard Council meeting will have to pay for it. Suddenly, blasts of water douses the agitated fire. Lill and Troy are in wide stances, summoning water in powerful streams. The white-hot ball shrinks pitifully, spewing up clouds of steam with a ferocious hiss. Soon, there is nothing but swirling steam drifting around the room, soaking the five of us in sweat. Tears prick my eyes as I stand there, watching the moisture dissipate out of the room. No one says anything. My heart drops. Lill finally speaks up. “Whew. That was interesting.” Troy wipes some steam and sweat off his forehead. “You just need a little more discipline and practice first. Luckily, no one got hurt, and that’s what’s most important.” “Gods, I’m so sorry.” I’m fighting back tears the best that I can. “I always screw up my spells. I didn’t mean to put all of you through this mess!” “That’s alright. If anything, you’ve definitely got the chops to be a great wizard one day,” says Charlie, his hair soaked through and dripping. “Yeah! Just, you know, gotta work on those techniques!” says Zane. I sniffle. “I hope so.” A foreign voice interrupts us. “Hey! I don’t know what you apprentices are doing in there, but the Grand Masters have called for a gathering!” It was a cranky old wizard in navy blue robes. “Go join your masters in the auditorium!” He gruffly stomps away. We all look at each other. “A gathering? What for?” muses Lill. Zane shrugs. “Can’t know for sure until we go!” We shuffle out the break room and into the cool castle air, saying our goodbyes to go find our masters. I decide that Master Delia doesn’t need to know about this incident until we got back to the workshop. ———————————————————————————— Hadrian I look up at the podium where Grand Master Wisteria stands. Her face is serious and grave. Behind her sits the rest of the Grand Masters in the High Committee, all dressed in their signature purple and gold robes. Next to me sits Master Eli, who is jotting down notes furiously. Apparently, the Secondary Committee was responsible for organizing possible attack groups and defense lines if it came to it. Behind us, the entire rest of the wizarding community sits clueless, waiting for the reason for the surprise gathering. "Hello, dear Wizard Council. I hope that the first two days of the annual Wizard Council meeting. However, after some discussion with the High and Secondary Committee and thanks to some intel from our wonderful gryphon guards, we have a serious matter to share with you all. I will get right to it; we suspect there may be a conspiracy to lay siege to the Grand Castle of Wizards." A ripple of murmurs rises from the giant auditorium. I spot some nervous glances across the room. "I know this may be alarming, but we should have no fear. We are a strong group, and we have more than enough power and intelligence to protect ourselves and the integrity of our great organization. We ask all wizards, apprentices, and staff to please stay on the lookout of suspicious characters. We ask that if there is a suspicious character found roaming the castle grounds, that they are to be reported to the High or Secondary Committee for investigation. We will overcome this threat." Cheers roar throughout the auditorium. If anything, the wizards of the Wizard Council were very proud of their membership, and rightly so. This is a collection of some of the most powerful humans in the entire world. I wasn't worried about some dinky attack by a few salty dark wizards, or whoever was orchestrating the whole thing. "Still, my fellow wizards, we must prepare for the worst. Along with the Secondary Committee, we have come up with a plan of defense in the scenario that we are successfully infiltrated. Please welcome Grand Master Aleksander to the podium..." I start to zone out, the claps and whoops become a muddled fuzz of background noise. I didn't see the point in having a whole plan like this. I figure that blasting them with magic in sheer numbers is probably enough. What a stupid plan. Instead, I review positions again in my head. I’m determined to get a summoning spell down pat by the end of the year. A fire-summoning spell. One of the easiest in the textbook. You position your arm about level to your stomach. Flick upwards, palm facing up. While doing so, bring the heat of your soul out and upwards towards your hand. Whatever that means. I hate how vague soul tapping is in some books. I'll skip that part for now. After that came small explosions. This was a thrust outwards away from the body rather than straight up. Then some water-summoning, which came from the moisture in the air. That was a circular motion, flowing with the coolness of the soul. Again, very vague. Then came ice harnessing, and then air flow control, and — "Hadrian! Rise!" hisses Master Eli, nudging my arm. I look around. The whole crowd was standing up in applause. I guess whatever speech the Grand Masters gave was pretty rousing. I get up and clap along. At least the meeting was finally over. I couldn't wait to leave this place. And I was hungry. I'll pick up a small meal from the dining hall before I head back to my room for the night. I say goodbye to Master Eli. He nods and disappears into the crowd, notes still in hand. I follow the flow of the crowd out of the auditorium and into the winding castle halls. I turn right and down the corridors, trying my best to avoid the mass of wizards with the same idea as me. I’m really hoping that they have something good out for tonight. When I get to the dining hall, the room is full to bursting with people gossiping over the attack plans. That speech must've been incredibly spirited or whatever, because they all look more excited than anything. I roll my eyes and try to find anything good left at the serving tables. I grumble as I pick past the hordes of people, only to find unexciting leftovers. I spot gnomes moving around the tables and benches, cleaning up and preparing for more plates to be put out. Maybe I'll just settle for a sandwich today. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Hey, Hadrian," says a voice. I turn around and find Kiera staring at my face. "What do you want?" "I just wanted to say I'm sorry again for earlier today. I had no idea I was being rude! But I still wanted to be friends, since I think apprentices should stick together! So I saved this for you!" I look down at the plate she is offering me. It’s a rich bowl of squid ink pasta with chunks of savory potato. I can't lie, it looks delicious. It's certainly better than whatever was left on the dining tables right now. I take the pasta. "Thanks, I guess. But don't think we're all buddy-buddy now. Besides, I have more studying to do." "Studying? But it's dinner time! You should be socializing and relaxing with the rest of us!" "Not for me. I need to keep working on my spellcasting." "Aw, come on Hadrian! Don't work yourself too hard! Come on over and sit with us, just this once! It'll be fun!" It has been a while since I've sat at a proper table to eat. And I had all the time in the world to study now. I figure that if things get dull, I'll just review positions again. "Fine. I'll come." Kiera's eyes lit up. "Great! You'll like the new friends I've made!" She leads me through the maze of bodies, weaving effortlessly through the commotion. I just try my best to not spill my pasta while following her. We finally come to a table packed with other apprentices. They wave us over excitedly. Well, more accurately, they wave Kiera over excitedly. "Hey guys! I brought over Hadrian!" she says, sitting down. I reluctantly sit down across from her. "Oh yeah, I've seen you around before. I'm glad you came around, dude! I never see you sharing your spell progress. You talk to some of the upper-level apprentices sometimes though, right?" says an apprentice with short, chestnut hair. He stuffs a whole cheese roll in his mouth. "Yeah. Sometimes," I reply bitterly. "Ooh! You should show off some of your spells!" pipes up Kiera. "To make for my behavior today, and so we can see what you've got!" "NO! Er, I mean, I can't." "Oh, why not?" "It's a top-secret spell. I've been working on it with Master Eli," I lie. "Wow!" says the chestnut-haired apprentice. "Can you say anything about it at all? Like, what's the hardest part of the spell? The coolest?" I glance around the table nervously. "No, I can't say anything about it. Master Eli is on the Secondary Committee. You guys know how it is." The rest of the apprentices nod knowingly. I pray that it's the end of the conversation as the others drift off into other topics. Kiera, however, doesn't give it up. "Hadrian, can we really not know a thing about it? You're killing me with suspense!" she whispers. "No. End of story." I scoop a forkful of pasta into my mouth. The longer I stay here, the more I think that this was a mistake. "Aww! No hints?" "No. It involves very advanced soul tapping, OK? Even I have trouble with it, that's how powerful and off-limits it is." "Hey, soul tapping! I love soul tapping! It feels so warm and satisfying, like unwinding a whole ball of yarn next to a fireplace!" My throat fills with more annoyance. "Oh wow, great. Like I said, some of us don't get magic so easily. It's hard work, and advanced soul tapping is a huge part of it." "It's not too bad for me! Oh, sorry. That was probably rude again. But, I mean, I can help you become better at it! I don't mind at all. I've been doing for ages my way and it works pretty well, even if it's not exactly 'advanced'. Well, OK, I guess you've been doing it a while too, but maybe it'll end up being easier for you too?" I look away, the annoyance burning and choking me now. "It's fine. I don't need your help." I get up and pick up my bowl of pasta. "Thanks for the invite, but I need to get back to studying now. It's really important." "Oh, that's fine, Hadrian. I'm glad you could stick around for a little bit, at least!" says Kiera. "Come back when you're not so busy!" "Sure. It's whatever." I stomp back to the third-rank quarters filled with rage, leaving the hustle and bustle of the dining hall behind me. When I get to my room, I slam down the bowl on my desk and lock the door behind me. I yank out my books and papers on the soul and the art of soul tapping. "It's so easy, Hadrian," I sneer, mocking Kiera's voice. "Gods, I just have to deal with all of it, don't I? I'll figure out the damn thing myself. I'll get there without anyone's help!" I take a seat in the mahogany chair and settle in for a long night of studying. ———————————————————————————— Hadiran I’m partway through a paper on the theoretical contents of the human soul when I hear an urgent knock on the door. I sigh as I get up to see who it is. The heavy oak door creaks open to reveal a serious-faced Master Eli. “Hadiran, you should come see this.” I follow him down the stairs and to the windows of the third-rank quarters. I spot a few blasts of dark magic down below in the gardens. “Dark spells. Are those dark wizards then?” “Indeed, Hadrian. It seems as if they have regrouped yet again. They’re stronger than expected, but I’m sure we will put an end to this nonsense soon enough.” “So the attack was real. I’m still not too worried. Can I go back to studying now, Master Eli? I was working on soul tapping.” “Hadrian, now is not the time for books. Besides, unlocking the soul is something that must be mastered through your own willingness to let it be unlocked, not through more reading,” scolds Master Eli. “I want you to see these threats first-hand in a controlled and relatively safe environment such as this one. One day, when you master magic yourself and become sworn into the Wizard Council, you must understand the enemy as much as you understand the spells that combat them.” I throw my hands up. “Well, what can I even do? I can’t even summon a basic fire spell! I’ll contribute nothing. I’m useless here.” “Hadrian.” Master Eli’s eyes pierce my own. “Fine. I’ll go, Master Eli,” I concede. “I guess I’ll take notes, or whatever I will be doing.” “Thank you, Hadrian. You will not be taking notes. You will be assisting the defense line with potion ingredients and supplies.” I don’t dare talk back any further. Master Eli is usually lenient, but I know better than to push a third-rank wizard. I follow him out of the quarters and out into the castle. We pass several groups of wizards and apprentices, excited to aid the counterattack. I, on the other hand, am less than thrilled to be a glorified servant hand for the potion makers. Master Eli finally drops me off at the kitchen hall. “Be good and courteous, Hadrian. I expect diligent work while I’m gone.” “Yes, Master Eli.” He quickly leaves the hall, no doubt being needed elsewhere. So now, I was alone here at the kitchen hall. I begrudgingly enter through the wide arched doors. Inside, a cacophony of wizards, apprentices, and impromptu bubbling potions in soup pots fills the room. One of the wizards, a frazzled-looking woman with short blonde hair and round, silver glasses approaches me. “Thank goodness, another apprentice! We need another hand at the belladonna station!” She points to a corner of the kitchen where two apprentices are scrambling to pluck a massive basket of dried cuttings. “Turns out the magic they’re using is energy-sapping, and they’re not letting up just yet! Potions of energizing are at high demand! Go and help them separate the leaves and berries from the stems.” She then quickly returns to the line of brewing potions, fervently checking each pot. I take my time getting to the station. When I finally get there, one of the apprentices look up at me. “Oh thank the gods, more help!” He dumps a pile of dried belladonna in front of me. “Keep plucking those. We can barely keep up with the brewers!” I settle in, tearing the shriveled leaves and the dark purple berries from the stems. As soon as I set the leaves and berries on the counter, one of the other apprentices whisks them away to the prep station. I toss the leftover stem onto the growing discard pile and start on the next stalk. I can’t believe I’m stuck here plucking belladonna in a makeshift brewing room in a lame dark wizard attack. I sigh defeatedly, wishing I was back up in my room in the comfort of my books. Suddenly, the kitchen-turned-brewing room shakes with a deep rumble. Everyone stops and stares at each other in silence. A few seconds later, another rumble rattles the room. Berries and herbs topple out of their neat piles and giant copper pots clang against the stovetops. Then, it stops. The wizard with the round glasses looks around the worried group of potion brewers. “Stay put everyone, I'm going to investigate.” She rushes out the door, letting the doors close with a deafening slam. The room stays dead silent. All that could be heard was the bubbling of the potions. The other two apprentices at my station look at each other nervously. Even for me, there’s a gnawing feeling in my chest. That didn’t sound like a run-of-the-mill explosion spell. It sounded huge, like the type that only the most advanced wizards would use. Something like that shouldn’t be happening in a basic counterattack to ward off some pesky dark wizards. Most of them weren’t even trained properly. And none of the wizards here, except for maybe the Grand Masters and the second-rank wizards, could pull off a big spell like that. We all wait for the silver glasses wizard to come back. After what seems like an eternity, the kitchen doors burst open. The wizard stumbles into the room, sweat soaking her brow and her hair even more frazzled than before. “Healing potions! Now! Scrap the potions of energizing! We need as many as we can put out!” The room bursts into panic and fervor. The two apprentices drop their belladonna stalks and scramble for the witch hazel stacked in the corner. I abandon the station, dodging past the pairs of brewers lugging half-finished energizing potions out the back door to be neutralized and dumped. I approach the wizard, who is now barking orders around the stations. “What the hell happened?” I ask, shouting over the commotion. The wizard readjusts her glasses and skirts around me without even meeting my eyes. “It’s a dark matter explosion! I’ve never seen anything like it before in all my years of wizarding!” She whisks a heart radish into a copper pot. “Wizards are hurt, and badly! Head back to your station, now!” “Wait, Master Eli! What about him?” I realize that he’s still out there, organizing front lines. If he’s gone, then who will teach me? Who will guide me through my quest of becoming a great wizard myself? I run out of the kitchen against the potion wizard’s protests. Leaving the kitchen behind, I dash down the stony corridors and past the dining hall. I spot some wizards hauling others into the hall. Some of them are slumped over with sickly black wounds snaking up arms and legs like infected veins. A few gnomes bolt past me, protecting their magically fragile bodies from the enslaughts. It makes me panic even more. I navigate my way towards the garden. I remember there being some combat happening there. “Master Eli!” I call out. No one responds. More and more injured wizards limp towards the dining hall far behind me. “Master Eli!” “Hadrian!” That voice isn’t Master Eli, but it is familiar. I whirl around to see Kiera. She looks like she’s about to cry. “Kiera?” “Hadrian! Don’t go over there!” she yelps. “That’s where the dark matter explosions went off! It’s horrible!” “I need to find Master Eli. Do you know where the third-rank wizards went?” “No, but they’re probably trying to handle all of this,” she replies. “Master Delia and I went out to put up some traps and other defensive spells in the garden. Then it happened! It was awful, and it was almost deafening how loud it was! It felt like the whole world shook to its core!” She shivers. “It was so cold.” “Wait, you were there! How did it happen?” “I don’t know, but Master Delia-” she sobs. “All I know is that she told me to stay put and ran off to the front lines. Then the second one went off and, well, I saw her on the ground with this terrible wound. It looked so dark and sickly.” “Gods, this is bad,” I say, feeling a bit bad for Kiera. I couldn’t imagine being there at the scene of the explosion, nevermind almost getting killed. “Is your master OK? How did the dark wizards do this?” “I don’t know.” Kiera sniffles. “She’s getting a healing potion made for her, and the gnome nurses are trying their best. Who knows how those rotten dark wizards pulled it off. I just want it to stop.” I notice the ground freezing around her. I’m taken aback with shock. I had to admit, she was magically gifted. Almost no human could summon magic like that on whim, especially while unfocused and emotional. Kiera notices me staring. “Oh gods, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” The ice around her feet melts instantly. “Sometimes, magic just flows right out of my soul and through my body without me realizing that I’m even doing it. I guess it’s just hard for me to get used to controlling my power directly instead of just letting myself channel it wherever and whenever. I’m sorry.” “No, I mean… that’s incredible. I’ve never seen a human soul tap that easily.” “But it had no rhyme or reason. No discipline. At least, that’s what Master Delia always says.” Her face falls as she mentions Master Delia. “You might have to try harder to soul tap, but you have such good control of it! You know every spell in the book! You’re even working on a top-secret advanced spell because you have the control to do it! You must be close to finishing your apprenticeship already. Unlike me.” “No! That’s not it at all!” I sigh with defeat. “I wish I was as good as you. All my life I’ve had to struggle and work harder than anyone else. But still, I never get anywhere. No matter how hard I study, and no matter how many papers I read, I’m still stuck!” I kick a chunk of stone across the hall, letting it clatter loudly against the floor. “Oh Hadrian, I’m sure you’re just being hard on yourself-” “NO! I’m literally useless!” I scream. “It’s all a damn lie. I don’t work on secret spells. I don’t even have spells. I can’t even do the simplest ones because I can’t tap into my soul, no matter how hard I’ve tried for years at this point! I NEED Master Eli! I NEED to become better, if not the best! I just need to, because I need to prove I can do it better than people like you! I hate it! I hate it all!” I slump down to the cold floor, the anger leaking out of me. I just put out my secret for the world to hear, and now my wizard dreams were crushed. I’m certain that Kiera would go out and tell the whole community about just how miserable of a wizard I am, and how I’ve been faking my progress for the last two years of apprenticeship. And to top it all off, the only person who might’ve believed in me is missing in action. Hot, bitter bile rises up in my throat. I’m trying to fight back my tears. I should be ashamed. “I understand.” Kiera squats down next to me. “I think I get where you’re coming from. It feels so disheartening to not be what everyone thinks you should be.” I look up at her. “What makes you say that?” “I’m supposed to be the next prodigy in magic, even as a human. I was whisked away to so many magic training camps and given so many magic tutors, because I’m supposed to be the next incredibly powerful wizard, maybe even a Grand Master one day. Sure, magic comes easy to me, but I can’t ever seem to control it right. They even had Master Delia, a second-rank wizard, take me in to see if she could rope in my powers.” “Your master is second-rank?” I gasp. “I didn’t know that!” Kiera sniffles. “Yeah, she’s a really good illusion-caster. I really value her dedication to get me into shape. But I feel like such a disappointment. All these positions, commands, orders, all that stuff — it confuses me so much, and I feel so stupid for not getting any of it! Half the time, when I try a bigger spell, I just end up blowing up yet another part of Master Delia’s workshop. Or freeze over all her potion ingredients. Or accidentally summon a thousand flying monkeys that one time. I’m awful at this wizard stuff.” “You can sort of control it, right? You must be able to learn it eventually, with enough drilling and flashcards.” “I don’t know. I think I might just be stupid. I’m not super smart like you. I used to love the idea of wizarding. Like, it was my childhood dream to help the world with my magic. But nowadays, I’m starting to think that maybe wizarding isn’t for me. Maybe I should just quit while I still can.” My eyes widen. “What?! But you are a prodigy! Magic comes as easily to you as a faerie, or an elf! You can’t quit the program now!” “But how can I do it? I’m just a dumb, useless lady who happens to be good at soul tapping and nothing else.” “Look, I’ll try to teach you some of the technical stuff myself. Like I said, I know every spell in the book. And if I don’t know it, I probably have a book about it. I may not be able to do any of it, but you sure as hell can!” I leap to my feet, my anger now totally gone. “There are wizards out there who need help. With your power, we can figure out what’s going on and stop this mess.” Kiera wipes away a tear and smiles. “Thank you, Hadrian. Maybe there’s still a little hope left. I want to help Master Delia and all the others who were hurt from the explosions.” I pull her up off the floor. “We should go see your master and all the others who got hurt. Maybe Master Eli will be there too. I think the best course of action is to find out whatever we can about the dark matter explosions.” “Sounds good. Lead the way, Hadrian!” ——————————————————————————
2020.07.10 04:16 ReddieChan20 [T4R] Anywhere/Online - I'm a Lizard :P
Hello! This isn't my first time posting here. I appreciate everyone who texted me, and I made sure to reply back to you all, and it can certainly be exhausting! I'm looking for more friends, like usual! A lot of the men or women I've met here I've added through my other means of communication, and they're rather lively. If you must know, I'm a dorky 20 year old pre-op Trans girl. I work in automotive and computer technology, hoping to get a permanent position with a tech company or an auto shop in the future. You can usually find me playing a horror game, or Arma 3. I'm kind of all over the place with music and movie tastes, since I'll watch mostly anything and my music tastes change like my panties - daily. While I think I'm generally okay, I have flaws as well. Well, a lot of them. I'm kinda shy, really sensitive when I got told mean things, and I guess I'm selective with my word choices. I can imagine really blunt people will hate me for being so..I dunno..Childish? I won't get angry but I may be uncomfortable. I do tons of writing in my free time. Warhammer, erotica, Warhammer erotica, some other freaky shit. It's kinda hard to market myself as a writer of sorts since it's not very glamorous like being an artist. I'd eat out the entire Russian army if it meant getting someone to actually read my garbage writing. I use other means than here to talk a lot. Talking to friends, keeping in a voice channel when I'm playing a milsim, or sending lewd pictures and doing cringy role-playing cause I'm a dork. If you're bored, looking for new friends, or like dumb roleplay, please text me! Uh, thank you for your time XP
Just a TW warning for familial issues Hi lgbt. I’m not a very active reddit user, but scrolling through everything here gave me the overwhelming feeling that you all are welcoming but more so, knowledgeable and I love that. I truly don’t expect this post to be novel to most of you. I’ve been out since ~17, and I know that the lgbtqia+ community overwhelmingly loses support from their family members on a regular basis. I almost feel silly posting this because it feels like something I should be used to by now, but recently it’s been on my mind and I’m not part of a local community or even have lgbtqia+ friends I can really talk to about this. I’m married but my wife has an excellent family and while I love my in-laws, they are not my family, they’re hers. Basically, I have no family who even attempts to engage with me since I left home at 17. The first year I spent bouncing between friends and random family members’ houses was the worst of my life but I was privileged and blessed to get a scholarship to a school far away and could start over there. The only person who tried to support me with my father, and tldr he was a kind but constant alcoholic, financially unstable and not able to be around and has since passed totally unexpectedly which really blew the sails out of my life. I’ve been reflecting on my experiences within the community and recognized that I’ve always been fascinated with the community and houses built up in the ballroom scene. At first it was just appreciation but I think that part of me is so deeply longing for family to even be interested in me much less give me that kind of love. I’ve watched so many pieces of media in this culture but recently was watching Legendary on HBOMAX... multiple times I’ve found myself in tears and kind of dissociated post-episodes where you could see this kind of love reflected amongst these houses. I have always known that found family is a concept in the community but to see it reflected just strikes a chord. If you’ve made it this far, I promise I had a point to all that emotional shit (lol). I’m an introvert. A quiet girl. I’m married to my best friend which is a blessing. I work in an overwhelmingly straight male dominated job (military) where I make friends but none who truly relate... I don’t know where to find my family. I don’t know who to look for or how. I struggle with feeling deserving of this but at the same time I have such a deep desire for it after 10 years of basically just floating in the atmosphere of a state I never grew up in and no strong familial connections. I’m not a teen anymore but have so many questions about my life and no parental or mentor figure to ask them to, or get that support from. A fucking free mom hugs sign can take me DOWN on sight 🙃 it’s such a sore spot for me. What do I do? How do I fix this? How do I find this kind of love again? How do I make these connections while struggling with just being a shy, quiet, introverted person? Am I seeking something that just... isn’t likely to happen anymore? All of your perspectives are welcome and so very appreciated. Advice on where you started with this or even just whether you were ever able to fix this for yourself would be amazing. Thanks so much for sticking with the post this far and caring to give this your attention. It means the world. 🙏💕
2020.07.10 02:21 alialibarrettI'm [21M] having so many issues with my girl best friend and ex [21F] and I really need help
I me this girl and we clicked right away. She had just broke up with her ex and she was so insecure and had so many problems. We agreed to try it for a relationship, but it ended a month later only because I made a simple joke about her ex. There was a festival going on and I didn't have tickets but her ex had, so I said in a joking way, well you should go with your ex and she hung up in my face. After that I went and rented a car because I didn't have a car at that time and I bought her some flowers to make it right and so we can go to the concert, but she started saying she's really not into the mood and it made me really angry and I just exploded on her, saying that I literally always get myself broke for her, and I always get out of my way to look for her and take care of her, and that she doesn't take any jokes like a little kid. She said no one has ever said those words to her, and she decided she doesn't want a relationship anymore. I told her fine and then when we met she started hugging me and saying it's okay I just want to see some effort from you. 2 weeks later she travels to her family, and I text her "I love you" which she replies to, pls don't. I ask her what's the matter and she says she was hurt from what I did and that she needs to focus on her future and studying and she just had a heartbreak from her ex and she's not over him and relationships make her emotional and she doesn't want that. So she asked if we could be friends. I got angry at her again, that she broke up with me for a stupid reason, if she can't take a joke which led me to explode on her with words.. How will she go on when more issues start developing in the relationship? We kept having many small fights on text. One of them she was asking me, do you know BPD (Bipolar Personality Disorder) and I said what's that? And she said "Google it" and I did then I replied with "so are you saying I have that?" and she got angry at me because she thinks that SHE has it, not me. So we stopped talking and we ended on really bad terms, this was in October of 2019. Then I decided I'll give her some space, until her birthday, March of 2020. In those 5 months she posted on her Facebook that she needs help from her friends by liking her post about her assignment so she can get a good mark. So I went a bought her thousands of likes and comments so she can be happy.. But I never said it was me. I just told her friends and asked him to not say anything. I spent 5 months, collecting the best gifts she will ever get. I got her many sneakers and clothes. Like WAY too many. So much makeup and perfume and it was all way too much.. I couldn't even hold the boxes to go get them wrapped. a months before her birthday I get a message from her friend let's call her [Suzan] saying to me, she wants to send you this message which says [hi I don't mean to bother you or anything because you blocked me I couldn't send you this message, thank you for helping me with my assignment I appreciate it alot and I wish you all good and the best of luck] Then I replied with [okay whatever], showing no interest in her. Her birthday comes after exactly a month from her friend texting me and I sent her a text because I noticed she unblocked me. And I said, hi.. Happy birthday, I got you a gift and I'll send it to you today. She was surprised and she said she thought I forgot about her and that I hated her and she said how about I go and give her the gifts? I then thought about and decided to go. She literally was so surprised of how many gifts I got and how much the box was big. And she gave me a hug and we went to the car so we can talk. We started talking and she said I'm sorry for everything, and she admitted the fact that her problem is not communicating like adults and thinking that silence treatment will work. She was clearly happy that I was there, and invited me to her birthday party the next day. The next day comes.. Which I can easily say it's the worst day of my life.. She sent me the location of where the party will be at 11 PM, I went there a bit late. At like 1 Am. After I went in she was drunk. And she came and gave me a very tight hug. I felt so happy. I went to the balcony to look at the view and she came after me and kissed me and she went to all of her friends one by one telling them what I got her for her birthday and how amazed she was by the gifts. Suddenly after that I notice that all her male friends are starting to touch her. Touch her on her butt and try to make out with her. And she's going along with it.. Except for some guys which she never told them no but they kept going. Suzan, her friend started looking at me everytime someone is touching her, and she saw how devastated I was. Then suddenly one of her shitty friends sits on the couch and she comes and sits facing him on his lap infront of everyone. I then go to the room and her friend "Suzan" tells me she wants to talk with me. I go with her to another room were "Suzan and her other friend" are there and she started yelling at me, don't you have self respect for yourself? Can't you see how she's acting like a bitch and not respecting you? Yes you're not her boyfriend and she invited you as a friend, but she can't even tell how hurt you are, I just can't look at you everytime someone is touching her, your eyes tearing up are breaking my heart, she's my friend, but I'm telling you this because I feeling the heartbreak you are feeling right now.. She even was making out with that guy she sat on his lap even before you came and no one can do those stuff if they don't want to even if she's drunk and those are just sober thoughts and I just started crying infront of them both, while my ex was outside knocking on the door because she wanted to go to sleep, I then get out of the room and she notices that I was talking with two of her friends and she says " what are you guys talking about? And I tell her nothing and leave to the living room, she then follows me and talks to me that tomorrow morning we will talk but that I now should go home it's late, I told her no I'm not going home I live far away and I'm not driving at 4 Am which she got a bit angry at me but I insisted so I stayed. Then she goes to her room and I said oh finally she went to sleep away from these guys. Even at this point I was blaming all the guys and not her. Then suddenly I heard her moan for one time inside.. I can't describe the feeling I felt at that moment. Even though some of you will say she's not your girlfriend, but love is blind.. And I never felt heartbroken and shttier than that moment.. And even my friend noticed. I begged her friend to knock on her and get her out, she's drunk and I don't want anyone to take advantage of her "again defending her". Her friends goes and knocks on the door and calls her many times, after 20 minutes she goes out and is angry and drunk and just looks bad. And says what's going on? And I told her ask yourself, were you having sex with that guy? And she said no we were only making out I'm on my period and I already know my boundaries and there's a big difference between making out and having sex and I'll return all your gifts back and it's not your business anyway and you can't control me, She got angry and went back to the room with that guy, her friend Suzan looked at me and told me if you ever talk to her again you're an idiot, you did everything for her, she texted me and said that the gifts you got her are the best things ever and no one ever has done something like that to her before and she's still not respecting you or respecting your feelings. I stayed there until the morning shocked. Then I went home. I slept for like 5 hours before I get a text from her, then two missed calls, then she says "Look I talked to Suzan and they said you were sad and I really want to apologize for everything I did to you, I swear I didn't mean anything I was drunk I don't know if you can understand but please say anything don't keep anything inside of you" I then exploded on her again saying that every person there has touched her ass, tried to make out with her, that she always used to tell me she's shy, but clearly she wasn't shy in her birthday party and that I regret getting her gifts and that I hope I never see her again and many many things because I was literally dying from the inside. She said again I'm shocked of what you have told me on my birthday and that it's the second time I exploded on her and insult her like this. And then she said bye. But she didn't block me. Two hours later she started posting stories on Instagram that she "Hates herself". A couple of days later I ask Suzan if I should ask for my gifts back or no. Which she replies to "I don't know", then she sends me a message from my ex saying. "Tell him that I will put the gifts in my apartment for the whole day, because I was moving to an apartment in another floor anyway, he will take his stuff and he won't see me, I know I'm a bad person right now and I always do bad decesion and I feel bad for it, I'm sorry for getting you into this I'll be gone for a while and take care" She then deletes all her social media, I though about that message and wrote her a message telling her that I'm really disappointed in her and that she can keep the gifts because I got them just for her and I spent so much time and effort and money in getting them, and if you return them I will throw them away because I didn't ask for them back, you said when you were drunk that you wanted to return them. And I asked Suzan to send it to her because she deleted everything. She then downloads whatsapp again to text me, and she said my friends saw how you insulted me and they all said I should throw your gifts away but i will not be childish like you, I felt bad for you at first because I felt that I broke your heart but after you said those words to me I wish I never see you again in my life. And we started fighting over text but this time.. Unlike any other time we argued on text, she didn't block me and neither did I. We kept arguing and somehow we decided to talk for a bit and communicate, that she didn't know she was breaking my heart and she thought I didn't love her anymore and that anyway it's not my business and that she's not a whore, and she only made out with him but didn't have sex and there's a big difference. And we both just calmed down. A week after that we met, she talked about that day, and I told her everything she did while she's drunk and she said.. I don't remember most of these and I'm really sorry and it's shameful what I did and I will never do it again like that. I shouldn't have done that infront if everyone and everyone seeing me and hearing me. I thought that it's clear she felt bad about what happened and I realized that when I got her those gifts my intention was to get my best friend back, not my girlfriend. And she said she really wants us to be friends again. And if we want a relationship together again we both have to change, and that she checked herself back in December and turns out she has a mental illness but she doesn't know what it is yet and she says she thinks she has Autism, Then we spent the whole day together normally. And we got many groceries for our homes because the quarantine and lockdown starts the very next day. After I went home and quarantine started, we spent 4 months from March until now July, just texting, it was really going well and she sometimes initiates the conversation and tells me "Good morning" and I always send her snacks to her apartment because not all delivery services deliver there and everything was going smoothly. But deep down I was still hurt fr that day.. And I wanted her to make it up for me.. Although she has already said she will make it up for me and she will also get me a gift. But lockdown came at the wrong time.. 10 days ago I text her and I was somehow provoking her, and I didn't feel it.. Because I was still hurt. She said we're almost going to the fights and I don't want us to get into this situation of us fighting every once in a while, I want to be happy and I want you to be happy too, I told her honestly I'm still hurt from what happened, and I feel you lied to me. Because Suzan said you were making out with that guy even before I came, but you told me when we met that you just wanted to sleep and you were drunk and he followed you to the room to make out with you. She then got angry again saying" didn't we say to forget about the past? I told you to give us a solution to not fight like always, not mention the past, and yes I made out with him before you came, whether you came or not it happened and if it happens once and twice and 10 times it's not your business and I just want to ask you who do you think you are at that day? Everybody noticed you were trying to control me. I replied with " I didn't say anything about you making our with him, it's not my business yes but my question was why did you lie to me? And who do I think I am? Well let me tell you, I'm the guy that saw the girl he loved being touched by 5 men and then moaning in her room. And she replied with well that's who I am, A whore right?? Just like you just described me in your message. Then we went on a bit and she said I'm not getting over what happened and that she's over what happened and I told her, well of course you're over it you're not the one that got hurt. And she got angry because I accused her of lying and because I asked her "did you have sex with him? Which she felt insulted because she thought I was describing her as a whore. This was 10 days ago. And she blocked me Two days ago I try to make things right again and I send her a message from my friends phone and she says no, it's goodbye and I treat you like you treat me (but deep down if I want to do this and treat her like she treats me, she will probably hate me from the first day) She said that I made her feel bad about what happened and made her feel guilty and made her hate herself, and that I think of her in a wrong way and that there's no hope in even being friends. And that I previously during lockdown has told her "why don't you see a doctor" and she felt attacked by that. And we thanked each other for everything and she will always remember the good things about me and we both thanked each other and decided to forget about the past and to forgive each other, and she admitted that she hurt me but that I have hurt her too. And I told her okay, I just want you to be the happiest girl ever and I wanted us to be good friends again but if this decesion makes you happy then go ahead, and she said it's hard to say I'm happy but I think it's the best for us and we stopped talking on good terms this time without blocking each other. I know that some of you here might say I'm in the wrong because I was just invited as a friend to her party, but I was really hurt and I decided to forgive her, but I don't know. The lockdown made me think about it alot and made me angry and made me think she was lying because Suzan mentioned that extra thing that she didn't say. I'm really bothered by all of this, I just want us to be friends again because we both want that, and if it wasn't for the birthday incident literally a day after I came back to her, we would have been good friends again, but so many misunderstandings are happening and she's not accepting the fact that she needs to see a therapist, even if she doesn't have anything wrong, at least check herself, and I'm always asking on reddit questions about her and it is shown in my history posts and I might need therapy too, I'm not claiming to be perfect human being, I get anger issue and provoke people alot. But at least I'm acknowledging it and trying to be open minded about it . I really want to be friends with this girl, and she does as well and I'm sure of that because I know her and I want to get over what happened, but my mind is killing me since March and always telling me I should take revenge in anyway.. And I don't want to hurt her but it's hurting me alot and I can't even focus on anything and everytime I take a shower I start crying because she's not trying to understand my point of view. I also forgot to mention above that I have an e-commerce business that I made, and the name goes by her name. And when I told her about it a day after we argued for the birthday thing she was amazed and felt bad even more so she had to make things right. I'm now hoping that she will just wish me a happy birthday in September so I can find a way to talk to her, I don't want to text her now so she doesn't think I'm dying for her. I really wasn't trying to insult her I just told her that I thought she was lying and that'd why I was unintentionally provoking her in someway. I want us to both be happy and I really need your guys suggestions on this . I can be a bit understanding on this but she isn't and she didn't try accepting to meet and work things out like when we met and worked things out a week after her birthday, I only saw her twice since March because of the lockdown but now everything is opening up here again and I really don't know what to do and I can't even sleep thinking about it. Please help...
I've never had a good relationship with my father. As a kid, I thought him screaming and threatening me was a normal thing parents do. My mother would punish me in a fair way (sending me to my room, to a corner, taking away toys). He would go behind her back and berate repeatedly. He has this way of speaking in cycles, bringing up the same point again and again, occasionally spicing things up by reiterating whatever he had said, but in a slightly different way. He would hit me, too, across the face mostly. I'm lucky in that my mother had made it clear that hitting wasn't okay. He only did it occasionally because he knew she could find out and would get mad. They weren't married, and wouldn't be for years afterward. When I was six or so, I acquired a Bible. I'll outright say it- I'm not christian anymore. I fought hard to get to that conclusion without his influence. He is a militant atheist, and goes into loud, potentially violent rants about how religion is a poison. I know he came to this view after his abusive mother blamed him not praying enough for his father's death, when he was a teenager. Thus, I grew up not understanding religion very well. My grandma would take me to church when I stayed with her, and I started genuinely believing in God. My teacher gave me a Bible after he heard a little of my home life. Granted, it was watered down. I didn't think his actions were alarming, though I was scared almost constantly. My father found the Bible Even as a kid, I had the sensibility to hide it and use a different book cover for it. Still, while going through my room, he managed to discover it. I asked him to at least sell it to a second hand book store, because I knew he wouldn't ever let me keep it. He slammed the door on his way out as he walked away from the apartment. I watched from my window as he threw it into a dumpster. He didn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary for days. I had always been an anxious child. I'd cry and panic because I thought I was going to die if I fell asleep. I was terrified of being in the hallways or having the door to my room open. I was terrible at talking to people. Turns out I have severe social anxiety, one of the first things I was diagnosed with. Middle school was hellish for me. I got pushed down stairs and had my stuff hidden or thrown down the stairs. I started getting pretty depressed. That all blew up in 6th grade, when my dog died. I think the devastation from losing her after having her for my whole life just tipped me over the edge. It doesn't help that my father just sat down at breakfast and told me he was taking my dog to get put down. My mother got mad because he had told me without permission. He said it like it was casual. I remember crying a lot. I started self harming nearly every day, and I lost a lot of my old friends. I did gain friends I would stay with for years to come, though. I'm going to jump back in time a little, so I apologize. This, if you couldn't tell, is more stream of consciousness than anything. In fifth grade, I was the only person at school from my previous one. I had the grades to be put in a much better school than the one I was zoned for. So, I started traveling a little further away for school. Being shy, I had a hard time making friends. One girl, who we'll call Grace, became my best friend. I knew right away she had anger issues. I think I was desensitized to bursts of violent anger. She was manipulative, physically abusive, and a horrible person. I have scars on my hand from where she had lashed out during a conversation. She had been holding a belt that we had found under a bush, which was torn up but still had a metal buckle. She hit me with it, though I had managed to raise my hand in time. I would've had scars on my face if not for my reaction. I don't know why I didn't leave her. I still question why I didn't. We stayed friends for two more years. Back to 6th grade, now. I was groomed by an older man during this time. He threatened to kill me and my family if I didn't send him photos of myself naked. I was 11. He was over 18. I didn't say anything to my parents for a long time. When I did, my mom got mad at me for giving in and sending him photos. I also had to report my father to CPS that year. I had started arguing back, finally finding a backbone and growing tired of his abuse. Because of being groomed and assaulted, I was hesitant to touch anyone, and I hated being touched. My parents knew I didn't want to be hugged, though I was more likely to let my mom hug me sometimes. He didn't like that. One night, he pinned me to a wall in an attempt to try and hug me. I managed to break away and tried to run up the stairs. I have learned, he doesn't like being ignored. He started hitting my back, trying to land a better blow because I was moving. I know I panicked and just...blacked out, for a few seconds. I think I tried to push his hands away with the book in my hand, but I accidentally let go and it hit his chest. He slapped me after that, and my mom finally pulled him away. I slept with a knife under my pillow, and a metal pole beside me. He tried to get in my room but my mom wouldn't let him in. The next day, I showed a few friends the bruises on my back. Now, I'll admit, I bruise like a peach. I'm incredibly pale and it takes very little to turn me black and blue. Even then, I had some gnarly bruises on my back. They immediately took me to the guidance counselor, who called CPS and my parents. My father tried to spin it as the bruises were just marks from my pants, because I definitely wear my pants up to my shoulder blades. That is a thing people do, definitely. Needless to say, nothing happened. My father tried to pretend nothing happened. I forgot to mention, he is an alcoholic narcissist. Since I was a kid, he's had the idea that he is the ultimate authority and if I dare say a word against him, I'm showing disrespect and I need to be punished. Things got steadily worse in terms of my mental state and self harm. By then, I had been in therapy for a few years. I'm gonna end this post for now, but I'm only halfway through my whole life story. Hell, this is just touching upon the stuff that has stuck out to me Not all of my life has been horrible. My sister was born when I was seven, and even though she drives me insane, I love her so much. I have a dog again, and he is such a bright part of my life. I'm a classical musician, and I love painting. I became the principle musician for my instrument at an art school. I graduated high school this year. I have some stupid, lovely friends who I will treasure as long as I can. I have some amazing memories from.my childhood. But I have been through plenty. I get pretty sick and I'm in the hospital more than I'd like. I'm a survivor of rape and abuse, and I live my life with PTSD. But I'm working through it. I have passions and I'm gonna go to college. I have a boyfriend who I fully intend on marrying. He's a kindred spirit, if such a thing exists. He knows more about me than anyone does I don't know what the point of this post is I guess I needed to pour some things out of my heart.
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